as pretty as David, as robotic and numb as Victoria

Thursday, June 28, 2007

License to Shoot Myself in the Face If I Have to Watch This Movie's Trailer One More Time

So this horrible movie is coming out, and I am ashamed of even mentioning its existence here on P&B. Usually I don't like to point out the things I truly despise, because that just gives it more publicity and I've done my part in making the cause of my hatred stronger and more unstoppable. So, sigh, begrudingly, in the name of the humor that will follow at the expense of reminding you that this movie exists, here is the winner of What I Wouldn't Even Watch on Basic Cable While Blow-Drying My Hair in the Same Room, Just to Have Something On in the Background:

Let's take a closer look at this poster and analyze what each actor must be thinking while this photoshoot was taking place:

John Krasinski - (looks at camera with wide-eyed expression of shock and amusement) Wow. What am I doing in this movie? I'm on a hit TV show and every secretary in the world has my photo on their bedroom ceiling at night. Every woman with a television set, a cat, a scented candle and not much else has a giant crush on me, rubbing their cat's fur while watching The Office marathons, pretending it was my mop-top of hair. This is not a good career move into feature film leading man territory. I am so much better than this.

Mandy Moore - What the hell am I doing in this? I'm a pop star and an acclaimed actress (well, for a pop star, anyway). My hair is too pretty for this kind of movie. Just because Lindsay's in rehab doesn't mean I need to scrape up all her shitty roles! I'm firing my agent. God, I hope my new CD does well. I can't be known my whole life for being Vincent Chase's girlfriend.

Robin Williams - Aaaaaall in a day's work! Time to go cash that phoned-in paycheck! (Does an imcomprehensible impression of something-or-other while running around the room.)

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