I'm Also the Caucasian Raven Simone

http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/videos.aspx?id=13672

I know how he feels. I'm the Jewish Scarlett Johansson.

Female Empowerment vs. Sucking It In on the Scale

My Thoughts About This Magazine Cover On the Outside:

You go, girl! Don't conform to society's interpretation of what "beauty" is! You're beautiful how god made you! Have a second serving of pie! That's what food's for! To be eaten and digested, not just ordered and looked at! Take it all off! You can still be bigger and be a successful rockstar!

My Thoughts About this Magazine Cover on the Inside:



Exactly. Who the fuck is Beth Ditto anyway?

This is why we have Rolling Stone in America and nobody's heard of NME. Also, I need to go to a Weight Watchers meeting and Guitar Center, in that order.

My [redacted] Romance

The newest video from My Chemical Romance, Teenagers, premieres today on MTV and MTV.com, and I've got a small backstory to go along with this particular video. First off, I had the chance to be an extra in the video (aka, a MySpace bulletin asked all MCR fans in the Los Angeles area to submit headshots and mine was sadly passed over [even though I sent them my best gothy-look while AT the My Chemical Romance concert...douchebag casting director nogoodniks]). Secondly, when I first heard this song, I played it like a bazillion times on my iPod. It's the #1 Most Played Song of all time (well, of all my time). If music could materialize into a useable sex organ I would whore myself out to MCR's music I love it that much. Or I'd convert from Judaism to Emo just to get serious with them. Their music is so good that even if it wanted to switch from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" on Facebook, but still sleep together occasionally, turning Our Chemical Romance into Our Chemical Fuck Buddies I would have no problem with that, either (although I would cry to Livejournal everyday knowing we were meant to be together and I'm sure MCR would eventually change).

In other words, the band and the song "Teenagers" is awesome - and topical! As the chorus goes, teenagers do scare the living shit out of me! When I was in high school (seven years ago [god help me, life is going at the speed of light]), the most I worried about was making show choir and getting to the last level of Donkey Kong Country. But now it's all school shootings, peer pressure, text messaging rates - no thank you!

So I watch the video (that I am not in [tear drop]), and is it just me, or is there an odd amount of censorship with the lyrics? Sure, the word "shit" is in the chorus, and even though I bet nobody bats an eye anymore at the s-word, I'm used to that kind of censorship. Whatevs. Ruin the chorus, fine, but it's obvious Gerard is scream-singing the word SHIT.

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!

But, more surprisingly, there's more words missing. Phrases, even. Take a look for yourself (or just take note of the bolded words in the lyrics I've tactfully copy and pasted for your convenience):



"Teenagers"

They're gonna clean up your looks
With all the lies in the books
To make a citizen out of you
Because they sleep with a gun
And keep an eye on you, son
So they can watch all the things you do

Because the drugs never work
They're gonna give you a smirk
'Cause they got methods of keeping you clean
They're gonna rip up your heads,
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the murder machine

They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me

The boys and girls in the clique
The awful names that they stick
You're never gonna fit in much, kid
But if you're troubled and hurt
What you got under your shirt
Will make them pay for the things that they did

I'm sorry, the word "gun" is no longer allowed in a song? Or "murder"? Or the incomplete thoughts "under your shirt" or "pay for the"? The song is pretty much about SCARY TEENAGERS GETTING REVENGE WITH WEAPONS. Timely, no? Accurate, n'est pas? Is this censorship doing anything except creating a hiccup with the flow of the song? Is some more innocent youth saved because they didn't hear the word "gun" or "murder"? Where were these censors when My Humps was being played out of every speaker, radio and orifice? Where are the good taste censors duck taping Joel Madden's mouth shut? But this they have a problem with?

You're okay by me, My Chemical Romance. You can talk dirty to me.

Other Sponsors for Lindsay Lohan's 21st Birthday

Svedka Vodka has pulled out as the sponser for Lindsay's 21st birthday party in July. What's a girl to do? Don't fret my Long Island pet - there are tons other companies and businesses out there that would love to endorse your sober (unlikely) big 2-1!

Dasani Strawberry-Flavored Water



it's not cocaine, but it's your favorite flavor! Plus you wouldn't get so dehydrated all the time.

Victoria's Secret Cotton Panties



The best way to put out a firecrotch is to cover it.

More like personALITY training - hey-oh!

here is a list of unintentionally hilarious things my personal trainer has said to me in the past three months of us working together:

"You know, if you want to cut carbs out of your diet, you should take the rice off when you eat sushi."
(has she ever eaten sushi before? It's pretty much all rice. The foundation is usually all rice.)

Her: "Have you seen any good movies lately?"
Me: "I just saw The Last King of Scotland. It was really, really good."
Her: "Is that that one where the guy won Best Actor?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Yeah, everyone's been talking about it. I probably won't see it, though, I don't like Scotland."

things i didn't say but thought immediately upon hearing this:
a) You don't like Scotland? Why don't you like Scotland? Why wouldn't you like an entire country?
b) You don't like Scotland so much that you would refuse to see a movie with "Scotland" in the title? No matter how critically acclaimed it is?
c) Do you not realize that the movie does not even take place in Scotland, but Ugunda? Have you seen a poster for this movie or a trailer or have even heard about it in the least?

"I'm getting liposuction next month. Get rid of all thsoe problem areas."
(Aren't you a personal trainer??)

Her: "I'm drinking only green tea today. I need to lose ten pounds by Easter. I need to be a rockstar."
Me: "Easter is four days away."
Her: "I know."
Me: "I don't think you're going to be a rockstar in four days, I think you've got some time."

Despite all this, I love her. Even though during our session last night she made me do 200 push ups, which resulted in me crying and thus vomiting when I got home. (Or maybe that was just in response to J-Lo on American Idol.) She's the gift that keeps on giving in regards to comedy material. I've already written a sketch for my sketch class inspired by her. And she's a very sweet, friendly girl.

Did I mention the first time I met her and asked for a phone number in case I had to cancel a session, she handed me her headshot?

Yeah.

ewe are an idiot

can YOU spot the difference?




I know it's tricky. It's like those pre-movie ads for the LA Times that had the real puppy and the CGI puppy on either side of the screen. Except this time one is a poodle and one is a fucking sheep!

and here's the article:

Thousands of people have been 'fleeced' into buying neatly coiffured lambs they thought were poodles.

Entire flocks of lambs were shipped over from the UK and Australia to Japan by an internet company and marketed as the latest 'must have' accessory.

But the scam was only spotted after a leading Japanese actress said her 'poodle' didn't bark and refused to eat dog food.

Maiko Kawakami, who starred in the Japanese thriller Violent Cop, showed photographs of her pet on a television talk show only to be told it wasn't a dog - but was in fact a lamb.

The discovery prompted hundreds of women to contact the police with similar problems and the authorities believe as many as 2,000 people have been conned.

'We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company was selling sheep as poodles,' a police spokesman told The Sun.

'Sadly, we think there is more than one company operating in this way.

'The sheep are believed to have been imported from overseas - Britain and Australia.'

Poodles are famously used by the rich and glamourous on the continent but are extremely rare in Japan, with many people having little idea what they look like.

The company, which translates as Poodles as Pets, sold the 'poodles' for £630, about half the cost of a normal poodle but is now understood to have been shut down.

Apparently, the Japanese see a white, fluffy animal and immediately jump to conclusions. A New Zealander would know better.

class act all the way

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Actually I've never said it, so I'll say it now for the first time. That Marilyn Manson is one classy guy.



Is this music video not the definition of good taste? I wish I were to have a gentleman caller such as Marilyn Manson come a-knocking on my door.

I'd be one lucky lady.

Covered in blood.

While licking a knife.

Getting off on being choked during sex.

While my recently divorced, drug-addicted boyfriend who is two decades older than me, videotapes.

And turns it into his next music video.

(please note sarcasm, dripping from everywhere like the blood in that horrible, horrible, horrible video.)

good luck chuck

i don't know anything about this movie. i assume it's a comedy. a dark comedy? a high-concept sex romp? i have no idea. apparently dane cook is in it. but it's just become my favorite movie poster of all time. see if you can notice why:

I Already Miss Blake

Yes I know Jordin won. But this is probably the last time I'll be able to post a photo of Blake Lewis, who is sure to propose to me as soon as we meet (aka me buying tickets to the American Idol tour this summer. I'm just kidding, I would never do that. Would I? Oh god, would I???). Look how cute he is in his argyle sweater, with just the inseeiest bit of tattoo poking out!

Okay, Blake didn't win, but he DID beatbox and rap with Doug-E-Fresh. Singing be damned! That performance was the most fun I've ever had watching American Idol. Did anything that lively happen the Carrie-Bo year? Or the Fantasia-Diana year? NOPE. Thank goodness for Blake bringing some fresh life into this series.

Other guest performers included Gladys Knight, Gwen Stefani via satellite, Green Day (my excitement at them performing was taken over as dissapointment when it turned out to be a boring Save Darfur/The Environment/Africa/Katrina Victims/Rubber Bracelet Industry ballad. Blah.), and all the past Idol winners except Fantasia, who's too busy on Broadway in The Color Purple. Taylor sang with passion and perfect pitch, but it didn't make me want to buy his album. Carrie is the prettiest girl in the universe, but she ruined the prettiest dress in the universe by WEARING IT WITH JEANS. JEANS! And it turns out Kelly Clarkson is pretty short.

So, yay Jordin, my favorite since Day Freaking 1! And more importantly, yay ME, for winning American Idol vicariously through Jordin. I go, girl.

This Is My Crappy Single

Surprisingly, the most hilariously awful/migrain-inducing part of last night's show was not the song that won Idol's Songwriting Challenge (although I did have to take two Aleve and three Midol after hearing it sung TWICE in the same night), but the judges. Simon Cowell looked like a beauty queen compared to Randy's Janet/Black-Michael-Jackson era-style chain jacket and Paula-on-meds with her scrunched up face because of her broken nose. The only way they could look worse is if one of them decided to bring back the ponyhawk.

BLAKEY: You Give Love a Bad Name Redux

Blake needs to smiiiiile more – it makes him come off as nervous. Which he probably is. Personally I wanted different beatboxing than the last time Blake performed this song, particularly cause I've watched that performance a bazillion times already on YouTube. I mean Broadcaster.

JORDIN: Fighter

Jordin, you have a great voice. And I’d say it was a great song choice to show that you’re pop pop pop all the way. But your attitude was lacking and it all felt forced. Maybe you should have gone the entire Xtina route and wore assless chaps. Jordin’s still doing that annoying heart thing again with her hands when Ryan mentions her numbers. Heart shaped hand gestures don't sell albums, Jordy! Assless chaps do!

"Number Of Times Someone Has Mentioned That Jordin Is Seventeen" count: one so far (by simon). Simon also says Round 1 goes to Blake. You know what else goes to Blake? My willing body.

BLAKE: She Will Be Loved Maroon 5 Redux

Didn't he sing Maroon 5 last week? And he didn't beatbox! Wha?? And he also kiiiiiinda couldn’t hit the high notes. But I so want an argyle sweater RIGHT NOW. (With Blake in it.)

But I have to agree with simon. The song and his performance doesn’t leave that much of an impact for the Finale. That happened with Katherine Mcphee last year with “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree”. (PS. I have one super-duper memory and no life.)

JORDIN: Broken Wing one more time

Jordin's race is finally figured out. Black Dad, White Mom. (I think that's a show on Fox's fall lineup.) That's funny, because all season long I thought Jordin's mom would be America Ferrera and her dad would be a Unicorn Butterfly Lollipop hybrid.

"Seventeen count" – 2! (Randy this time)

Oh yeah, and Jordin sings. It sounds pretty, like usual. But most importantly, I want Jordin’s kimono purple toga with fancy belt thing. And I want to match it with a sweater vest.

Speaking of, Blake sings the craptacular "This Is My Now" and his 2nd argle sweater of the night sparkles!!! Way to get dressed up for the finale, blake! And we can see your arm tats. Swooooon-age. But seriously, he text messaged that one in.

The lining of Ryan's fancy Armani-Gucci designer jacket is all Beetlejuice-like with black and white stripes. If anyone mentions that Jordin is seventeen ONE MORE TIME, he turns into a snake monster!!!

OH NO! RYAN SAID IT! "Seveteen, Seventeen, Seventeen!" AHHHHH!

Ok, jordin’s rockin the pop shiznit out of this crappy, crappy, crappy song. This is the same thing Blake sang? And OMG x infinity, jordin started crying at the end of the song! Displaying any emotion = votes votes votes!

And the show's over. I have no idea who will win. Jordin sang better but people can't get enough of Blake, as shown by his loooong applause. Conundrum! Either way, I'll probably be happy since I've loved these two since the very beginning, but I will also be extremely sad because This Is My Now is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Now Daughtry sings over a clip show of the whole season.

Remember when America thought sanjaya was a good singer? And that he had a semi-hot sister?

Remember when Sundance Head was the front runner?

Remember when Chris Sligh was funny?

Oh, and remember when I had a life? I don't either.

Oh, and Celebs in the audience count: Unfortunately the only person I could make out was none other than... Kathy griffin? What’s she promoting? The fact she’s still alive?

Top 3 Like Whoa

okay, okay, I am eating my words. All season long I've been all "this season is total Yawnsville with a rest stop in I Hate Everyonesburg", but man if I'm not happy with the Final 3 contestants! Jordin Sparks, Melinda Doolittle and Blakeypoo (aka Blake Lewis) are a diverse as you can get. As far as I'm concerned they're all getting record deals no matter what. But in the end, we need someone to cry next Wednesday night while they sing a schmaltzy ballad either about being a hero or no one's gonna stop me now or my dream is a reality. (Except for Carrie Underwood's year with "Inside Your Heaven". Why did the winner's song have to be about being co-dependent? The song always and consistently should be along the lines of "I'm a Single Mom with a Crack Baby Living Below the Poverty Line and I Effing Won American Idol, Dammit, Now I Can Do Anything".)

But anyway, after a whole season of Antonellas and Sanjayas and a whole lotta nobodies, can you blame me for despising the talent this season? Thank god for small miracles. And sweater vests. Lots and lots of sweater vests. Now onto the judging!

Jordin Sparks: sang "Wishing on a Star" (Simon's Choice), "She Works Hard for the Money" (Producer's Choice) and "I Who Have Nothing" (her own choice)

Let's sum up Jordin just be what we learned (or kept relearning) on this night. Her favorite song of all time (ALL TIME, IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC, SINCE MUSIC WAS INVENTED DURING THE STONE AGE) is Hanson's "MmmBop". "What do you want from me?" Jordin says. "I'm seventeen!" Yet AGAIN we are reminded that lil Jordin is not even of voting age. She beat Randy and Simon to the punch this time mentioning it. Is this any excuse to like "MmmBop"? Not just like it as a guilty pleasure, but announce it on the most popular television show of all time? When people are voting to keep you on? Okay, Jordin's so pretty pretty pretty and she rocks the essss out of every song she does, and I know she'll get at least three votes (that would be from Isaac, Taylor and Zak), but Little Miss 17 Year Old America Ferrera Stunt Double (did I mention she was only seventeen years old?????!?!?) may have just said bye bye to Idol gold. Also, I am aghast that I know all three name of the Hanson brothers. There goes my Idol gold, too. Damn.

Blake Lewis: sang "Roxanne" (Paula's Choice), "This Love" (Producer's Choice), and some Robin Thicke song that I am immediately going to download once finishing this blog post.

Blake's been my absolute favorite from the beginning, and he's stayed that way because a) okay, he's adorable, even with his little clown nose b) he went from preppy hipster to preppy emo with that hair color switcheroo and I luuuurve it c) he's not afraid to sing songs he actually listens to and not this cheesy Idol schmaltz we're given every season. I would actually buy his record, beatboxing and singing combined.

What we learned about Blake in this episode: Jim Carrey would star him in a movie of his life called "Organized Chaos". The movie doesn't even exist and still more people have gone to see it than "The Number 23". Blake also went back home to Seattle and got to perform with Sir Mix-A-Lot on a beatboxin' version of "Baby Got Back". According to me, the boy has already won. I'd also like to point out that Blake is the only one of the three to sing 3 new songs (Jordin and Melinda both sang a previously performed song). Blake gets two snaps in the snap cup for delivering some new beats, and keeping everything he does fresh and contemporary. Please allow the thirteen year old girl within me whose still clutching onto back issues of BOP and Tiger Beat to say GO BLAKE GO WAAHHHOOO!

Melinda Doolittle: sang "I Believe in You and Me" (Randy's Choice), "Nutbush City Limit" (Producer's Choice), and "I Am a Woman" (her own choice)

What else can I say? Melinda is so good I can't even come up with a good joke. I'm watching a whole different show when she sings. They're already saving her a parking space for VH1's DIVAS concert. Our humble doolittle girl even sang alongside her backup singers cause she's so sweet she can't even hog the spotlight when she's supposed to be the center of attention.

My predictions are Melinda and Blake for the Final 2, just cause I want as much beatboxing goodness as I can get until Blake can release an album. Just, dear god, don't start banging Lindsay Lohan. Or Hilary Duff. Stay away from the lot of them and beatbox your way into a corner. If all you're gonna do with your success is blow it up your nose at Hyde, then switch places with Jordin. Cause she's 17 and she can't even get into those clubs. Jordin. Seventeen. Okay, I'm done.

Psych!

Most of the present celebrities delivered on laughs - Jack Black, singing Kiss From a Rose (for the judges, and Seal's, approval); an amazing Simpsons parody where Simon sings and Lisa mimics Paula's vapidness; Ben Stiller threatening to sing until one hundred billion dollars is raised. Kelly Clarkson proved why she's the most successful American Idol winner yet by expertly belting out a sweet, somber number, and more than one joke was at Sanjaya's expense, not like he minded.

The celebrities who didn't show up, however, failed to impress me. Mostly because they were not there. Uh, producers of Idol, I'm pretty sure you promised me some Gwen Stefani, Pink and Borat. You can't just tell everyone someone will be there and then they don't show up! I say "I wasn't feelin' it, dawg" to false advertising! And no, Madonna via African webcam and a hologram Elvis are hardly substitutes for the ridiculousness that would have been a Borat cameo.

Oh yeah. And no one was kicked off. I was about to smash my "JORDIN SPARKLES" sign through my television set when Ryan told Chris Richardson he was safe, leaving Jordin as the final contestant not cleared through. OH NO HE DI'N'T! But he didn't. Jordin was safe. FOOL ME ONCE, Ryan Seacrest, shame on me. But if I find out Sanjaya just took the week off for a publicity tour and he'll be back to performing next week, SHAME ON YOU. That I cannot forgive.

Did I mention how creepy hologram Elvis singing with Celine Dion was? Girl's aged like seventy years since My Heart Will Go On. Fake Elvis looked hot, though.

Thankfully, Idol Does Not Give Back Sanjaya

Let's get this out of the way so all of you people out there who actually own more than one American Flag (and not for novelty purposes) and/or those of you who own Hybrids(because of the environment and not because you don't have to pay for parking meeters) can start hating me: I'm not feelin' this whole Idol Gives Back thing.

Yeah, it's great the producers have realized how much attention the show gets all around the world, and they're using this cheesy reality show as a platform for The Real Issues. Yes, many hungry people all across America and Africa (but where in Africa, Ryan Seacrest? You never once specified where in Africa you and Simon visited and where the money is going. Africa is not one giant borderless land mass - they've got individual countries with individual problems, ya know) will get to eat and be educated and all that stuff you and I with DSL internet connections take for granted.

But when I watch American Idol, I want to watch Sanjaya prance around with silly hair or Jordin belt it out or Haley do anything in a miniskirt. I don't want to be reminded that there is war and famine and poverty. It's the same whenever a sitcom decides to have a Very Special Episode about spousal abuse or a kid who brings a gun and/or a marijuna joint to school. You are escapism television! That is why I'm watching you and not CNN! Stop trying to make me feel things when all I want to do is veg out and make fun of people!

Whew, I feel better. Now onto last night's recap, where, as it turns out, there was very little to make fun of anyway. Shoot.

Chris Richardson aka "Nasal Is A Type of Singing" - sang Eric Clapton's Change the World. Chris sang it very well, so I'm thinking he should be safe for this week, but the song itself is a powerhouse of mediocrity, despite it winning a barrel full of Grammy's, and being the theme to the movie "Phenomenon." I hate that I know this.

Melinda Doolittle aka "What the Eff Do I Have To Do To Win Thing Thing Already?" - sang "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill. Sang it perfectly. Looks sleeker and younger than usual. I still don't see any teenagers voting for her or buying her album, and guess what? No one texts as fast as a teenager. It's been proven. Sorry Mindy. Be happy when you reach the Top 3.

Blake Lewis aka "I Haven't Had the Opportunity to Beat Box in Several Weeks Now... Uh-Oh" - sang John Lennon's Imagine. Can't do much with the song but just sing it, which he did, on tune and with emotion. Still, I'm worried people are forgetting how much Blake can lay it down when he's completely in his element - sliding around a stage, reinterpreting a song into a techno dance, beatboxing. I hope the Idol theme next week is House music.

Lakisha Jones aka "Not As Good As Former Idol Contestants As It Turns Out" - sang Fantasia's Season 3 Winning single "I Believe." This song is pretty awful, schmaltzy - no good adjectives. Except this is why Fantasia won - she blows it out of the Kodak Theatre it's that good with her vocals and energy. This is the third time Lakisha has voluntarily compared herself to a past successful Idol (with Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel" and "And I Am Telling You", the Dreamgirls song that basically belongs to Jennifer Hudson now) and she's doing nothing but reminding people to download the original song off iTunes. Sorry 'Kisha - you were the one not-so-bright star of the night. Methinks you're going home!

Phil Stacey aka "I Am Using My Vampire Cunning Into Hypnotizing You Into Keep Voting For Me... Also Did I Mention I Have a Wife and Children? Do You Want Them To Go Hungry and For Daddy To Be Shipped Back To The Navy? I Didn't Think So!" - sang some Garth Brooks song. I closed my eyes during his performance and realized he's a very good singer who picks boring songs and looks like the wussiest vampire this side of Spike from "Buffy".

Jordin Sparks aka "Even My Name Is Marketable" - sang "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Carousel, one of my favorite musicals. Jordin's winning this thing. She's young, she's beautiful, she can sing anything you dangle in front of her, her song choices are interesting, and she has yet to give a sour performance. TEAM JORDIN!

Here's my predictions: Bottom 3: Phil, Blake, Lakisha, with Lakisha going home. Unless you count celebrity guest stars.

Celebrity Guest Star Bottom 3: Forest Whitaker, Helena Bonham Carter, Keira Knightley (what in the eff are you guys doing on this show?!?)

Idolicious

About last night's show which announced the Top 12 Finalists, and who will be travelling on the American Idol tour once the season's over.

Jersey trash / Disney chipmunk look-a-like Antonella Barba managed to top Yahoo search lists but it seems like all her fans were too busy yanking it to her leaked naughty pics (are you a toilet man or a more traditional blow-job connoisseur?) to vote to keep her in. I actually felt sorry for the poor girl who was forced to sob through her horrible rendition of "Put Your Records On" after getting the boot. But then I remembered that I also auditioned for "American Idol" and I can cough more in tune than Antonella has sung all season. Girl took my spot! Good riddance.

Unfortunately filling up the suck void for the rest of the season is Sanjaya Malakar and Sanjaya Malakar's hair. Boy's hairstyle and huge ever-present grin reminds me too much of that famous Farrah Fawcett poster. Which would ordinarily be a good thing but in this case I'll take Farrah's crazy over Sanjaya's awkward warbling that wouldn't win an elementary school talent show.

You did this to yourself, America. I thought keeping Sanjaya in was just a cry for help, but now I know you're truly suicidal, and I want to get you help. Pick up the phone, vote for beatboxer Blake Lewis, and life will have meaning again, I promise you.

Top 12 and Sanjaya's Hair Perform

Another Tuesday, another "Idol", another predictable Diva-Off between Melinda Doolittle and Lakisha Jones. Bo-ring. Yeah, they've both got amazing voices and deliver each song with personality and confidence - but this is TV! And since there are no random "Lost" polar bears running around or explosives a la "24", we've got to get our drama on somehow!

And that's where Sanjaya comes in. Or, more accurately, Sanjaya's ever-changing hairstyles, keeping the show interesting (and tone deaf). He's done permed, sleek and shiny, hidden under a fedora, and even the Rachel cut. I can't wait to see his magnificent up-do when he wins "American Idol" because for some disturbing reason AMERICA REFUSES TO VOTE HIM OFF.

I'm not afraid to admit I've got mad love for Blake Lewis, the only contestant to make each and every song his own, particularly last night's Diana Ross cover "You Keep Me Hanging On". This beatboxer from Seattle has his own unique contemporary style and that's what sells records, not amazing voices attached to the past (sorry Melinda and Lakisha) or hairstyles (I will never apologize to you, Sanjaya).

This SHIT is B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Last night's episode was near and dear to my heart, since I am a huge Gwen Stefani fan. Is she cool right now? Is there a backlash? I have no idea, since her two solo albums are pinned to my face as blinders to other people's opinions of her. I can rock out to "Tragic Kingdom" like it was still 1995. Because of this bias, I have nothing but undying hatred and bitterness for the Top 10 constestants who got to meet my actual, real-life idol as I was forced to watch them crucify No Doubt's songs from my living room couch.


And with that, on with the recap:


THE BEST:


Lakisha "Bank Teller With a Voice of Gold" Jones sang Donna Sommers "Last Dance", a song from the 70s, which is still the most contemporary this girl has gone. Girl's got killer pipes (and killer boots - I want her boots. Now.), she needs to pick more recent song choices to keep her interesting and current.


Gina "Hot Topic Frequent Buyer Punch Card Holder" Glockson sang The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You." I never dug this girl's uninteresting voice whether she hits her notes or not (usually not), but props where props are due - she gave the best performance of the night, and her best performance ever.


Jordin "I Swear, I'm Not America Ferrera" Sparks chose No Doubt's beat-heavy "Hey Baby", which is barely a showcase for vocals. She also looked like she was auditioning for "My So-Called Life: The Musical", but I still think this amazingly talented teen will push her way into the Final 2.


Melinda "Really? I'm Good? Aw, Jeez, Mister, Thanks!" Doolittle sang some other Donna Sommers song, was perfect, blah blah - FALL DOWN! FORGET A LYRIC! DO SOMETHING!


Blake "Are You Proud Of Me? I Didn't Beatbox Once Tonight" Lewis serenaded every tween girl out there with The Cure's "Love Song". Simple song, nothing too noteworthy going on, but the boy's got nothing to worry about. I'm predicting Top 3.


EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT SANJAYA:


Chris "I Will Probably Not Last Long Enough To Make David Hasselhoff Cry During The Final As I Predicted During The Audition Round" Sleigh


Haley "No, Really, Who Is That? You Mean That Girl There Who Looks Like That F'd Up Girl In The Exorcist?" Scarnato


Chris "Bringing Sexy-ishBack" Richardson


Phil "My Stylist Made Me Put On This Hat So I Don't Reflect Stage Lights Off The Top Of My Head And Blind The Audience" Stacey


I could all care less about you.


SANJAYA/SANJAYA'S HAIR:


That little girl's tears from last week have only made you stronger. First, you can't sing, then you open up your own salon on top of your head, and now you forget your lyrics - you're going to win this thing. But did you have to ruin a perfectly peppy No Doubt song in the process? What did Gwen ever do to you? What did I ever to do you? (besides badmouthing you in this blog every week, of course.)

Hot Pants and Hair More Important Than Talent

Dear America,

I understand, this is a troubling time. We live in a world of war and poverty and emo music. Sometimes, we just need to relax and take our minds off the problems and stress of everyday human existence.

With that said, America, that is no reason to KEEP EFFIN SANJAYA ON AMERICAN IDOL. He's great for a laugh and he's inspired the next twelve haircuts I'm going to get. He is, without a doubt, eleven billion times more entertaining than all of the other constestants combined. But at the end of the day, we have to focus on the real issues: He can't sing, he can't adaquately perform, and the longer he stays on the show, the longer I have to talk about him, and I am running out of insults.

What's even worse, the equally horrible but nowhere near as entertaining Haley was not even in the bottom three. The Linda Blair look-a-like must have scored enough fans with her hot pants (and her hot pants only) on Tuesday's performance to beat out The-Lil-Beyonce-Who-Could Stephanie Edwards. Stephanie was too Fantasia-y to win the competition, but girl deserved a couple more weeks to bring it like she always did.

America, you got some 'splainin to do.

xoxo
Becky

Little Girl Weeps for Idol Singer, Future of Music Industry

Another Tuesday, another "AmeriYAWN Idol". Last night's show was so predictable I have to invent horrible puns just to keep myself entertained. To recap: Melinda blah blah great Lakisha yadda yadda on pitch Blake wah wah beatboxing prettyboy.

The best performance of the night came not from any of the contestants, but from the little girl in the audience who sobbed throughout the entire show because she was a) overcome with emotion of sitting in the audience of her favorite show b) mortified of Sanjaya's groin-shakin'. A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B... Of course the little girl is still young enough that in time, and with several years of therapy, she probably won't remember any of it.

Speaking of Hairdo McGee, Sanjaya was more like Sanjaya-MAZING last night. No, not because he sang The Kinks' "You Really Got Me" with the same punk-rock attitude of a baby polar bear about to be euthanized. But last night's awkward pelvis-thrusting and faux attitude has made Sanjaya leap from "Unworthy Contestant Who Must Be Eliminated Immediately Before I Stick Forks In My Ear" to "Sideshow Attraction Who Makes Little Girls Weep and Viewers Like Me Laugh Hysterically". Sanjaya must stay on this show forever. I will personally spend my life savings on text messaging rates to keep the most entertaining part of American Idol on the show.