as pretty as David, as robotic and numb as Victoria

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Top 3 Like Whoa

okay, okay, I am eating my words. All season long I've been all "this season is total Yawnsville with a rest stop in I Hate Everyonesburg", but man if I'm not happy with the Final 3 contestants! Jordin Sparks, Melinda Doolittle and Blakeypoo (aka Blake Lewis) are a diverse as you can get. As far as I'm concerned they're all getting record deals no matter what. But in the end, we need someone to cry next Wednesday night while they sing a schmaltzy ballad either about being a hero or no one's gonna stop me now or my dream is a reality. (Except for Carrie Underwood's year with "Inside Your Heaven". Why did the winner's song have to be about being co-dependent? The song always and consistently should be along the lines of "I'm a Single Mom with a Crack Baby Living Below the Poverty Line and I Effing Won American Idol, Dammit, Now I Can Do Anything".)

But anyway, after a whole season of Antonellas and Sanjayas and a whole lotta nobodies, can you blame me for despising the talent this season? Thank god for small miracles. And sweater vests. Lots and lots of sweater vests. Now onto the judging!

Jordin Sparks: sang "Wishing on a Star" (Simon's Choice), "She Works Hard for the Money" (Producer's Choice) and "I Who Have Nothing" (her own choice)

Let's sum up Jordin just be what we learned (or kept relearning) on this night. Her favorite song of all time (ALL TIME, IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC, SINCE MUSIC WAS INVENTED DURING THE STONE AGE) is Hanson's "MmmBop". "What do you want from me?" Jordin says. "I'm seventeen!" Yet AGAIN we are reminded that lil Jordin is not even of voting age. She beat Randy and Simon to the punch this time mentioning it. Is this any excuse to like "MmmBop"? Not just like it as a guilty pleasure, but announce it on the most popular television show of all time? When people are voting to keep you on? Okay, Jordin's so pretty pretty pretty and she rocks the essss out of every song she does, and I know she'll get at least three votes (that would be from Isaac, Taylor and Zak), but Little Miss 17 Year Old America Ferrera Stunt Double (did I mention she was only seventeen years old?????!?!?) may have just said bye bye to Idol gold. Also, I am aghast that I know all three name of the Hanson brothers. There goes my Idol gold, too. Damn.

Blake Lewis: sang "Roxanne" (Paula's Choice), "This Love" (Producer's Choice), and some Robin Thicke song that I am immediately going to download once finishing this blog post.

Blake's been my absolute favorite from the beginning, and he's stayed that way because a) okay, he's adorable, even with his little clown nose b) he went from preppy hipster to preppy emo with that hair color switcheroo and I luuuurve it c) he's not afraid to sing songs he actually listens to and not this cheesy Idol schmaltz we're given every season. I would actually buy his record, beatboxing and singing combined.

What we learned about Blake in this episode: Jim Carrey would star him in a movie of his life called "Organized Chaos". The movie doesn't even exist and still more people have gone to see it than "The Number 23". Blake also went back home to Seattle and got to perform with Sir Mix-A-Lot on a beatboxin' version of "Baby Got Back". According to me, the boy has already won. I'd also like to point out that Blake is the only one of the three to sing 3 new songs (Jordin and Melinda both sang a previously performed song). Blake gets two snaps in the snap cup for delivering some new beats, and keeping everything he does fresh and contemporary. Please allow the thirteen year old girl within me whose still clutching onto back issues of BOP and Tiger Beat to say GO BLAKE GO WAAHHHOOO!

Melinda Doolittle: sang "I Believe in You and Me" (Randy's Choice), "Nutbush City Limit" (Producer's Choice), and "I Am a Woman" (her own choice)

What else can I say? Melinda is so good I can't even come up with a good joke. I'm watching a whole different show when she sings. They're already saving her a parking space for VH1's DIVAS concert. Our humble doolittle girl even sang alongside her backup singers cause she's so sweet she can't even hog the spotlight when she's supposed to be the center of attention.

My predictions are Melinda and Blake for the Final 2, just cause I want as much beatboxing goodness as I can get until Blake can release an album. Just, dear god, don't start banging Lindsay Lohan. Or Hilary Duff. Stay away from the lot of them and beatbox your way into a corner. If all you're gonna do with your success is blow it up your nose at Hyde, then switch places with Jordin. Cause she's 17 and she can't even get into those clubs. Jordin. Seventeen. Okay, I'm done.

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