as pretty as David, as robotic and numb as Victoria

Sunday, May 27, 2007

This Is My Crappy Single

Surprisingly, the most hilariously awful/migrain-inducing part of last night's show was not the song that won Idol's Songwriting Challenge (although I did have to take two Aleve and three Midol after hearing it sung TWICE in the same night), but the judges. Simon Cowell looked like a beauty queen compared to Randy's Janet/Black-Michael-Jackson era-style chain jacket and Paula-on-meds with her scrunched up face because of her broken nose. The only way they could look worse is if one of them decided to bring back the ponyhawk.

BLAKEY: You Give Love a Bad Name Redux

Blake needs to smiiiiile more – it makes him come off as nervous. Which he probably is. Personally I wanted different beatboxing than the last time Blake performed this song, particularly cause I've watched that performance a bazillion times already on YouTube. I mean Broadcaster.

JORDIN: Fighter

Jordin, you have a great voice. And I’d say it was a great song choice to show that you’re pop pop pop all the way. But your attitude was lacking and it all felt forced. Maybe you should have gone the entire Xtina route and wore assless chaps. Jordin’s still doing that annoying heart thing again with her hands when Ryan mentions her numbers. Heart shaped hand gestures don't sell albums, Jordy! Assless chaps do!

"Number Of Times Someone Has Mentioned That Jordin Is Seventeen" count: one so far (by simon). Simon also says Round 1 goes to Blake. You know what else goes to Blake? My willing body.

BLAKE: She Will Be Loved Maroon 5 Redux

Didn't he sing Maroon 5 last week? And he didn't beatbox! Wha?? And he also kiiiiiinda couldn’t hit the high notes. But I so want an argyle sweater RIGHT NOW. (With Blake in it.)

But I have to agree with simon. The song and his performance doesn’t leave that much of an impact for the Finale. That happened with Katherine Mcphee last year with “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree”. (PS. I have one super-duper memory and no life.)

JORDIN: Broken Wing one more time

Jordin's race is finally figured out. Black Dad, White Mom. (I think that's a show on Fox's fall lineup.) That's funny, because all season long I thought Jordin's mom would be America Ferrera and her dad would be a Unicorn Butterfly Lollipop hybrid.

"Seventeen count" – 2! (Randy this time)

Oh yeah, and Jordin sings. It sounds pretty, like usual. But most importantly, I want Jordin’s kimono purple toga with fancy belt thing. And I want to match it with a sweater vest.

Speaking of, Blake sings the craptacular "This Is My Now" and his 2nd argle sweater of the night sparkles!!! Way to get dressed up for the finale, blake! And we can see your arm tats. Swooooon-age. But seriously, he text messaged that one in.

The lining of Ryan's fancy Armani-Gucci designer jacket is all Beetlejuice-like with black and white stripes. If anyone mentions that Jordin is seventeen ONE MORE TIME, he turns into a snake monster!!!

OH NO! RYAN SAID IT! "Seveteen, Seventeen, Seventeen!" AHHHHH!

Ok, jordin’s rockin the pop shiznit out of this crappy, crappy, crappy song. This is the same thing Blake sang? And OMG x infinity, jordin started crying at the end of the song! Displaying any emotion = votes votes votes!

And the show's over. I have no idea who will win. Jordin sang better but people can't get enough of Blake, as shown by his loooong applause. Conundrum! Either way, I'll probably be happy since I've loved these two since the very beginning, but I will also be extremely sad because This Is My Now is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Now Daughtry sings over a clip show of the whole season.

Remember when America thought sanjaya was a good singer? And that he had a semi-hot sister?

Remember when Sundance Head was the front runner?

Remember when Chris Sligh was funny?

Oh, and remember when I had a life? I don't either.

Oh, and Celebs in the audience count: Unfortunately the only person I could make out was none other than... Kathy griffin? What’s she promoting? The fact she’s still alive?

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