as pretty as David, as robotic and numb as Victoria

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Thankfully, Idol Does Not Give Back Sanjaya

Let's get this out of the way so all of you people out there who actually own more than one American Flag (and not for novelty purposes) and/or those of you who own Hybrids(because of the environment and not because you don't have to pay for parking meeters) can start hating me: I'm not feelin' this whole Idol Gives Back thing.

Yeah, it's great the producers have realized how much attention the show gets all around the world, and they're using this cheesy reality show as a platform for The Real Issues. Yes, many hungry people all across America and Africa (but where in Africa, Ryan Seacrest? You never once specified where in Africa you and Simon visited and where the money is going. Africa is not one giant borderless land mass - they've got individual countries with individual problems, ya know) will get to eat and be educated and all that stuff you and I with DSL internet connections take for granted.

But when I watch American Idol, I want to watch Sanjaya prance around with silly hair or Jordin belt it out or Haley do anything in a miniskirt. I don't want to be reminded that there is war and famine and poverty. It's the same whenever a sitcom decides to have a Very Special Episode about spousal abuse or a kid who brings a gun and/or a marijuna joint to school. You are escapism television! That is why I'm watching you and not CNN! Stop trying to make me feel things when all I want to do is veg out and make fun of people!

Whew, I feel better. Now onto last night's recap, where, as it turns out, there was very little to make fun of anyway. Shoot.

Chris Richardson aka "Nasal Is A Type of Singing" - sang Eric Clapton's Change the World. Chris sang it very well, so I'm thinking he should be safe for this week, but the song itself is a powerhouse of mediocrity, despite it winning a barrel full of Grammy's, and being the theme to the movie "Phenomenon." I hate that I know this.

Melinda Doolittle aka "What the Eff Do I Have To Do To Win Thing Thing Already?" - sang "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill. Sang it perfectly. Looks sleeker and younger than usual. I still don't see any teenagers voting for her or buying her album, and guess what? No one texts as fast as a teenager. It's been proven. Sorry Mindy. Be happy when you reach the Top 3.

Blake Lewis aka "I Haven't Had the Opportunity to Beat Box in Several Weeks Now... Uh-Oh" - sang John Lennon's Imagine. Can't do much with the song but just sing it, which he did, on tune and with emotion. Still, I'm worried people are forgetting how much Blake can lay it down when he's completely in his element - sliding around a stage, reinterpreting a song into a techno dance, beatboxing. I hope the Idol theme next week is House music.

Lakisha Jones aka "Not As Good As Former Idol Contestants As It Turns Out" - sang Fantasia's Season 3 Winning single "I Believe." This song is pretty awful, schmaltzy - no good adjectives. Except this is why Fantasia won - she blows it out of the Kodak Theatre it's that good with her vocals and energy. This is the third time Lakisha has voluntarily compared herself to a past successful Idol (with Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel" and "And I Am Telling You", the Dreamgirls song that basically belongs to Jennifer Hudson now) and she's doing nothing but reminding people to download the original song off iTunes. Sorry 'Kisha - you were the one not-so-bright star of the night. Methinks you're going home!

Phil Stacey aka "I Am Using My Vampire Cunning Into Hypnotizing You Into Keep Voting For Me... Also Did I Mention I Have a Wife and Children? Do You Want Them To Go Hungry and For Daddy To Be Shipped Back To The Navy? I Didn't Think So!" - sang some Garth Brooks song. I closed my eyes during his performance and realized he's a very good singer who picks boring songs and looks like the wussiest vampire this side of Spike from "Buffy".

Jordin Sparks aka "Even My Name Is Marketable" - sang "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Carousel, one of my favorite musicals. Jordin's winning this thing. She's young, she's beautiful, she can sing anything you dangle in front of her, her song choices are interesting, and she has yet to give a sour performance. TEAM JORDIN!

Here's my predictions: Bottom 3: Phil, Blake, Lakisha, with Lakisha going home. Unless you count celebrity guest stars.

Celebrity Guest Star Bottom 3: Forest Whitaker, Helena Bonham Carter, Keira Knightley (what in the eff are you guys doing on this show?!?)

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