as pretty as David, as robotic and numb as Victoria

Sunday, May 27, 2007

This SHIT is B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Last night's episode was near and dear to my heart, since I am a huge Gwen Stefani fan. Is she cool right now? Is there a backlash? I have no idea, since her two solo albums are pinned to my face as blinders to other people's opinions of her. I can rock out to "Tragic Kingdom" like it was still 1995. Because of this bias, I have nothing but undying hatred and bitterness for the Top 10 constestants who got to meet my actual, real-life idol as I was forced to watch them crucify No Doubt's songs from my living room couch.

And with that, on with the recap:


Lakisha "Bank Teller With a Voice of Gold" Jones
sang Donna Sommers "Last Dance", a song from the 70s, which is still the most contemporary this girl has gone. Girl's got killer pipes (and killer boots - I want her boots. Now.), she needs to pick more recent song choices to keep her interesting and current.

Gina "Hot Topic Frequent Buyer Punch Card Holder" Glockson sang The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You." I never dug this girl's uninteresting voice whether she hits her notes or not (usually not), but props where props are due - she gave the best performance of the night, and her best performance ever.

Jordin "I Swear, I'm Not America Ferrera" Sparks chose No Doubt's beat-heavy "Hey Baby", which is barely a showcase for vocals. She also looked like she was auditioning for "My So-Called Life: The Musical", but I still think this amazingly talented teen will push her way into the Final 2.

Melinda "Really? I'm Good? Aw, Jeez, Mister, Thanks!" Doolittle sang some other Donna Sommers song, was perfect, blah blah - FALL DOWN! FORGET A LYRIC! DO SOMETHING!

Blake "Are You Proud Of Me? I Didn't Beatbox Once Tonight" Lewis serenaded every tween girl out there with The Cure's "Love Song". Simple song, nothing too noteworthy going on, but the boy's got nothing to worry about. I'm predicting Top 3.


Chris "I Will Probably Not Last Long Enough To Make David Hasselhoff Cry During The Final As I Predicted During The Audition Round" Sleigh

Haley "No, Really, Who Is That? You Mean That Girl There Who Looks Like That F'd Up Girl In The Exorcist?" Scarnato

Chris "Bringing Sexy-ishBack" Richardson

Phil "My Stylist Made Me Put On This Hat So I Don't Reflect Stage Lights Off The Top Of My Head And Blind The Audience" Stacey

I could all care less about you.


That little girl's tears from last week have only made you stronger. First, you can't sing, then you open up your own salon on top of your head, and now you forget your lyrics - you're going to win this thing. But did you have to ruin a perfectly peppy No Doubt song in the process? What did Gwen ever do to you? What did I ever to do you? (besides badmouthing you in this blog every week, of course.)

No comments: