IDOL BYE-BYE: David Hernandez

Poor David. Ousted before his time. Granted, I never particularly liked him, and although he was a competent singer, I'd rather put together a delicious chocolate milk beverage than watch his performance because, quite simply, he's boring. Also, I'm over the stripper jokes (and he is too, probably).

No one deserved to go worse than Kristy Lee Cook who turned The Beatles into a jamboree. This little girl gave a better performance than KLC did on Tuesday:

IDOL RECAP: Amanda Amanda Amanda!

Hey guys! So I'm back and ready for American Idol Bloggy McUpdates. I don't even bother until the Final 12 (cause, let's face it, i'm lazy and can only keep this up for 12 weeks instead of a billion). Here we go! (and thanks TMZ for agreeing with me on the above image)

It's Beatles night on Idol, and I'm a fan of The Beatles' music, but I'm not like one of those crazy faaaaaaaaans who compare every song ever not written by The Beatles with songs written by The Beatles. I also thought Across the Universe was semi-awful/semi-good, as opposed to Beatles faaaaaaaans who flat out detested it. But uh-oh, Chipmunk David Archuleta already used his Beatles song with Imagine. He should just sing it again, there ain't no way he can top it.

"Say hello to your brand new set” -- Ryan

Hi new set! Sure, I guess it looks nice, but is anyone really talking about the set the day after the Oscars? Who the eff cares where the good stuff happens? They can sing outside on an apple box for all I care about the set.

Oh god. This is going to be 2 hours long because the first hour is just introducing the set. Though the set probably has a more well put together interview package than Kristy Lee Cook.

sYESsha – singing... a Beatles song? I've never heard this one.

I can't get that get that weird baby sound out of my head. Not a good sign. But the fact I can't recognize this song should be a compliment for Syesy, since I can't compare her to The Beatles. Sounds like an R&B song. Oh, I love this girl. She's damn cute. I'm predicting…. Top 7? She’s the only black girl in the competition as opposed to Black Girl Divathon from Season 3 (Fantasia, LaToya, J-Hud) so she should keep getting votes for awhile.

Chikeze – She's a Woman

TWINNIE ALERT – Forest Whitaker. C'mon, you can so see it.

Used to be an LAX baggage worker/security – Oh my god I want Chikeze checking to see if I packed drugs in my teddy bears.
I was about to say "don't quit your airport day job" but I LOVE this. He’s doing something different, and I can totally see his personality everytime he's on stage. ENOUGH OF THE BLAKE LEWIS SWEATER VESTS though. Dress for the big night that it is! He won me over. And I thought he was gone last week, too! THIS is what gets you votes – DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT even when you’re NOT singing. Prance and dance! Shout WOO a billion times like Jaime Fox!

Raimele – In My Life
Haha she dedicates her performancde for her “close friends who left the show already” awwww she misses her gay bff what's his face, his name is already gone from my memory. Sanjaya you are not, sir! (madam?)
Most importantly, of course, is her dress style is getting a LOT better with that cute giant white belt. She’s got the crowd waving! That couldn't possibly be the work of the producers, could it?!
I kind of love this version too. What’s happening to me?? Why doesn’t anyone suck???
How much you wanna bet someone mentions her height??
THOUGHT: Miss Saigon movie musical much? She could SO be Kim. Don't lie to yourself. You know she could.
Very subtle performance… it was sweet. Controlled.

Oh god Paula and her backwards compliments. “you look pretty tonight.” Kiss of death. Aaaaand they don't like it. Simon tears her a new one. She makes a puppy dog face. That might get you out of taking the trash out at home, sweetie, but not here.

Jason Castro – If I Fell

Why is he even on this show? He should be in your local coffeehouse. Oh. Well I guess that’s why. I sorta meant that as a compliment.

He knows he can’t hit those notes, but he plays it endearing. I kind of wish he’d do something fast. That’s not really him though, is it?

“Student in a bedroom at midnight” – Simon. Simon always tells it like it is, even when I like the singer. I guess this stage demands something bigger than acoustic guitar.

Ryan and simon are playfighting… I’m lost.

Carly – Come Together

She’s only been in the country 3 years!!! She’s not even a citizen. I CALL SHENANIGANS! her hair looks ten times better, but I still don’t want my American Idol to have a non-American accent. Call me nationalistic and racist, but seriously, I don't. I'd rather a Kellie Pickler-sounding girl win than someone who represents another nation.
Okay. Its kind of awesome. She’s “in it”. Stop trying to convert me, bitch!
The crowd fucking loves her. I’m still not obsessed. Maybe I like them underdogs.

I think Simon has a winking problem. We kind of don’t do that in America.

DAVID MY BELOVED COOK singing my FAVORITE BEATLES SONG. Elenor Rigby. It’s fate.

TWINNIE ALERT: Emo Jimmy Fallon
He bartended? I bartended! MARRY ME.
Without exaggerating, the chorus gave me chills. Holy god. I WANT HIS SEX.
Simon thinks he could win if it remains a talent competition. I stand by my love of this man. No other critique necessary. So much love.

Brooke White – Let it Be
TWINNIE ALERT: Cate Blanchett?

Playing piano. Is it gonna be boring? I like seeing talented musicians, though. I’m not thrilled but she’s probably a better performer with her own songs. Underwhelming.


We’re halfway through the show. I bet you right now Kristy Lee Cook is leaving next week and she hasn't even performed yet.


David Hernandez – saw her standing there
TWINNIE ALERT: Aladdin with a shirt on?

Pizza parlor? Are you kidding me? WE ALL KNOW. JUST ADMIT IT.
I'm sorry, I went to go make chocolate milk while david was singing. That’s how much I care about him. Boring.

“corny verging on desperate” – simon. As delicious as my chocolate milk.

WHY ARE THERE BREAKS IN BETWEEN EVERY SINGER?!? ANNOYING!


Amanda Overmyer - You Can't Do That (what?)

TWINNE ALERT: Joy from Earl (voice wise) and Beetlejuice. Don't say her name three times!!!

Enough of the black and white skunk look already. But, she's perfect. She wins the Fantasia award for Most Distinct Voice in the competition. She STANDS OUT! And I love her. I'm predicting.... at least Top 5.

Michael Johns - Across the Universe
He's been in America for ten years… hmm. Okay, that's longer than "the irish girl" (as Simon said, forgetting Carly's name) but you’re not an American. BOO! And I love me some Australians!
You don't sing this song unless you can effing BRING IT. And I kind of hate the arrangement. This has been covered so many times. How can you make it new? Answer: you don’t. well, he don’t.

Kristy Lee Cook - Country 8 Days a week?
HAHAHA
I LOVE IT
HOEDOWN!
They said COUNTRY not REDNECK!

“I didn’t enjoy it.” – paula. THANK YOU! You get a gold star for not warbling tonight!

David Archuleta - we can work it out

They gave David Archuleta the pimp slot AGAIN. Why bother having a TV show?

HE FORGOT THE LYRICS!!! GOLDEN BOY FORGOT THE LYRICS!
He finally showed his age, huh? And that licking lips thing really is getting on my nerves.
No wonder he sang ballad after ballad. He looks weird when he shimmies to a fast song.

All in all, I pretty good night. Here's how I'm rating everyone for the night:

1. David Cook 2. Chikeze, 3. Carly 4. Amanda 5. Jason Castro 6. Ramielle 7. Syesha 8. Brooke White 9. Michael Johns 10. David Hernandez 11. David Archuleta 12. Kristy Lee Cook

That ranking is crazy. What's Chikeze doing up there and David doing down there?? More importantly, who's even reading this? Are you?

More Like Marilyn Mon-HOE

Marilyn Monroe is a tragic classic Hollywood figure, and she's also a fucking icon. You, Lindsay Lohan, are no icon.



You are an It Girl. In fifty years, no one will have paintings of YOU hanging in their art galleries or on the walls of their mansion. No teenage girl is going to have a print of one of those photographs hanging in her bedroom, lip synching in their brush to "Rumors". I would even say Britney has a better shot of infamy than you ever will. So stop fucking thinking you're here to stay. You aren't. I bet your liver won't last another year, give or take.

Also, Lindsay has become a true-to-form Butterface. No wonder she draped a sheet over her head. Her body's the only thing left she's got going for her, since her looks, her talent and her health have gone MIA. Furthermore... New York magazine? Seriously? She couldn't expose herself in, say, Vanity Fair or W or Vogue, something a little bit more high-end fashion? Girl may as well have done a Playboy spread. You know that's coming one more rehab vacay away.

I don't even want this Long Island Lolita's bits tainting my beautiful blog, so I'll provide the link for you to see the rest of the pics, but you'll have to provide your own lube.


get the eff off your high horse, bitch

The Pian-oh no

ANNA PAQUIN!?



What in the holy fuck happened to you? Why do you look like Fergie probably did when she was on meth? Is this what happens when you win an Oscar at age 12? It’s all downhill from there? Remind me to thank my mom every single day for never giving into my demands of sending me on auditions when I was eight. I'm not famous or rich but I don't look like a prostitute from 17th century Londontown.

Why I Love Australia, Part 60

Reasons Why Australia Is Awesome, as Exemplified in This News Clip:



1. The way they add an "r" sound at the end of words like "Nooo'r". CUTESVILLE!

2. Here in America, we have too much going on, like deaths of celebrities and Paris going to jail and an election coming up. We don't have time for giant house parties, but in Australia, it gets its own segment, even though nobody died and nothing tragic happened, just a kid whose gonna be grounded for the rest of his life.

3. FAMOUS SUNGLASSES. Now they're famous. Introducing Best Halloween Costume of 2008, Corey Worthington.

An Inconvienent Truth: David Beckham is Hot

i'm hot, and now so's the earth

Apparently not everyone loooooves David Beckham the way every gossip magazine out there wants you to love him and his poshtastic brood. According to Soccer America Daily (Ed note--bwah??), David Beckham is the biggest threat to the environment... EVER. They blame his fleet of 15 cars, including Hummers, and all his travelling for work and leisure-- in 2007, Beckham flew “farther in 2007 than a trip from the earth to the moon” on all his appearances around the world.

With all his money he should be using it at least to reduce his own footprint. He has more freedom of choice when it comes to methods of traveling. He could also choose greener cars."

Look, first you tell us spinach is poisoning us, sunshine gives you cancer and now Pretty Boy McHandsome is ruining the earth?? WILL YOU LET US HAVE SOMETHING? PLEASE??


what global warming? I'm quite chilly, quite

Not Joking

I am almost deeply ashamed of how involved I am with celebrities' lives. But what do you really expect? I am emotionally involved in the lives of characters on TV shows and in books I read. (Yes, that was me sobbing at the last five minutes of Six Feet Under.) How can you not get wrapped up in the ups and downs of people you read about everyday? Whose faces and stories you're thrust upon everytime you sign online?

Heath Ledger died yesterday, and I'm extremely upset. The kind of upset where I don't even know how to put it into words, nonetheless silly blog-speak. He's an Aussie, from Perth, Australia, the locale of a pilot I wrote. I always thought in the back of my mind, I bet when I have enough connections to get this produced, Heath would be interested in exec-producing... it's extremely jarring to think, nope, that's not happening, ever, because he's dead. He was a brilliant actor who I had a deep respect for, at least career-wise, as I knew very little about his personal life. Which, really, is/was a good thing. It's not often I can say how little I know about a famous actor apart from his work (Daniel Day Lewis comes to mind). I almost prefer it that way, so as not to be biased when I see them perform.

But apparently Heath had troubles, many drug-related, and he was found dead yesterday afternoon at 3:30pm in his manhattan apartment... the last time he was seen alive was noon that day. He was surrounded by pills. Jesus Christ. This is upsetting to summarize.

I really do see myself as an Aussie in spirit. Heath felt like one of my own, like how horrible I felt when Steve Irwin died, but within a community of the rest of Australia. That country is so, so proud of their people when they go abroad and make names for themselves, they give the ex-pats a pat on the back for good luck. When something joyous (like oscar noms) or tragic (like this) happens, they feel it extra strong, and that's a beautiful characteristic to hold. The US is so large and wild, I don't think we carry the same comraderie with our own people.

Not to mention, if you hadn't realized already from my previous blog posts, how head-over-heels excited I was to see Heath as The Joker in The Dark Knight. His performance in the trailer gave me chills. What a role to go out on.

What else can I say? Nothing. I can't provide any personal stories since I did not know him in real life. It just shows how much effect you can have on people you don't even know, have never met, probably will never meet. And not just with celebrities or people of "note". I put myself out there by writing in this blog, having a job I go to everyday, walking down the street - who knows who might be truly getting something out of what I think I'm doing here on earth.

I just sincerely hope there is no chance of drug overdoses happening in my future, or my friends or family's future. Take care of yourselves, guys.

Back to the sarcastic posts later.

P.S. I bought that "Why So Serious" Dark Knight poster. It'll be framed as a tribute to you in my living room, Heath. It's the thought of the memorial that counts.

Quote of the Day: Donut Edition

"Well, it may be dry, but it still tastes better than not eating a donut."

--me, at our morning meeting, choosing the dryest donut in the box (still too delicious to be healthy)

Even MORE Posteriffic: The Dark Knight

Are you joking me? (cue: wah waaaaah) They somehow made an even better slash CREEPIER poster for The Dark Knight? Slow clap to the marketing guys of the newest Batman. Keep indulging your psychopathic tendencies, cause it's getting this cinephile off big time.



Warning to my roommates, we are buying every poster that comes out that has the Joker on it and framing it on the walls of our living room.

Poster-iffic: The Dark Knight

Batman is by far my favorite superhero. In fact, I think he's the only superhero I'm actually fond of (besides Emo-Spidey, of course). Batman is dark and moody and is just a plain weirdo, probably even more than all the villains he fights. He's motivated purely for revenge and is obsessive and incredibly flawed. Also, he's rich, is generally cast as handsome in the movies, and damn if bats aren't the cutest animal that is completely underappreciated on Cuteoverload.com (And I've hung around them in person, so you can't say otherwise.)


we just want to be snuggled! and suck your blood!

What I like most about him, though, is that he's just a guy. A rich guy who buys a lot of expensive shit, but at the end of the day, he's a regular messed up human without any superpowers. Which makes him like any other deranged rich guy in the world. And that's a lot more disturbing/interesting than some nice hunky farm dude from Krypton who can only be emotionally hurt. Super lame-o!

So, I'm allsabout the Batman. And this poster makes me jump up and down in excitement. If there's one thing I like more than a brooding, arrogant man who refuses to let anybody really know him, it's a sociopathic comedian.


i'm batman('s poster)

It's Britney, Blog: Episode 2

Britney's a busy girl, what with her busy schedule of running over people's feet, drinking herself into a frappuccino coma, and not giving a fuck anymore. But she's still found time to make a video blog! It took her the same amount of time as it did to record her new album.*

*'bout fifteen minutes



Got any suggestions on what Brit-Brit should teach the world next? Write it in the comments!

Finding Emo: Barnyard Animal Edition

No one understands an emo cow, the angstiest animal on the farm.



what's the point of living, just kill me and make me a steak. at least that way someone will love me

It's Britney, Blog

The first of many. I have to work on my Britney-speak. I think I came off more like Joy from My Name is Earl. Anyway, got any suggestions for future episodes? Leave it in the comments!

Finding Emo: Tickle Me Emo

I'm a huge fan of Mad TV, and for a few years (current cast and digital shorts not included) I'd rather go to sleep at 11:30pm on a Saturday night than be forced to watch Saturday Night Live. Mad TV may not be as iconic a television institution, and it might be taped beforehand, but it was consistently funny starring extremely gifted comedic actors. So who cares, as long as it's entertaining?

I don't really watch TV on Saturday nights anymore (I'm too busy sleeping -- what can I say, I'm an old woman at 24) but I'm glad to see that Mad TV is still makin' the funny.



Oh emo jokes! Will I ever tire of you?!

Please make sure to check out my good friend Dance's (yes, that's her amazingly real name) new tongue-in-cheek (or as I like to say, tongue-ring-in-chic) emo blog, Heart-Shaped Bot. Because there's nothing more emo than the only robot who can feel pain. Sentience is so unfair.

Re-Spice up Your Life

girl power through mindless pop music and midriff tops!

One of the skills I’m most proud of having is being able to memorize the lyrics to embarrassing songs with complicated rhyme patterns. When it comes to hidden talents, some people juggle, others know how to shuffle a deck of cards. For me, it’s being able to recite “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” “Shoop,” and “My Humps.” If it makes you immediately reach for the radio to change the station, chances are it is a song so beloved by me that it has been ingrained into my subconscious for the rest of eternity.

On the very top of his humiliating list of songs is the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe.” The moment I heard this quintessential pop song, its catchy hook and high-energy spirit trickled from my thirteen-year old ear drums on down to my heart. I would perform it in malls with my friends, thinking I was Tiffany Spice, unashamed of how lighthearted and just plain fun their music was back then. To the delight of my sense of nostalgia, the Spice Girls have announced they’re back together! In the next few months, expect a world tour, a documentary, a greatest hits album, and inevitable product tie-ins. I haven’t had this much spice since the last time I had Indian food! And I haven’t made a joke that bad since orange you glad I didn’t say banana? Anyway, re-spice up your life with a little game of catch-up with the girls, shall we?


we're back, bitches


...and Becks

Victoria Beckham aka “Posh Spice”
When We Left Her: She was a brunette, last name Adams, boobs were proportionally smaller.
Today She’s: now married to quite possibly the most famous, most beautiful and richest man in the world; her spicerack has grown mysteriously larger as her waist has shrunk into Scarlett O Hara territory, despite the fact that she’s given birth thrice in the last decade. She starred in her own reality show special about moving to Los Angeles, shopping, and starting a new hair trend. She hasn’t smiled or eaten in the last seven years.
Possible New Nickname: Posher Spice (since she’s even better than you now than she was before).


i don't fit into my leopard pantsuit anymore, stupid baby weight

Mel B aka “Scary Spice”
When We Left Her: She wore lots of leopard prints and had crazy big hair, which apparently is enough to frighten young children enough to earn the nickname “Scary”.
Today She’s: making her way on the talk show circuit discussing her major baby dramz with Eddie Murphy. Yes, Murphy was no Daddy Day Care when it came to taking full responsibility for fathering little Angel Iris Murphy Brown, but in the grand scheme of things, isn’t it more painful for a child to grow up with the name of an early 90s Candice Bergman vehicle? Plus, Angel Iris Wonder Years is so much catchier.
Possible New Nickname: Alimony Spice.


nice and subtle

Gerri Halliwell aka “Ginger Spice”
When We Left Her: The “sexy” member of a girl group where no one really wore that much clothing to begin with, she decided her sexy status was enough to propel her to a solo career, and she left the group in 1998. She released three solo albums, gave birth to also unfortunately-named-Spice-baby Bluebell Madonna, and became a goodwill ambassador for the UN, visiting several third world countries desperately lacking girl power and basic amenities.
Today She’s: toned down the hair, decided the solo thing wasn’t really working out, and rejoined the supergroup that made her famous. She has the only nickname that’s a real spice – it was meant to be.
Possible New Nickname: Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme Spice (just to make up for all those spiceless years).


baby's all growns up

Emma Bunton aka “Baby Spice”
When We Left Her: She pretty much fit the baby look – apple cheeks, blonde pigtails, didn’t speak much except for the occasional “Girl Power!” during live shows. She’s made appearances on British reality programming, like Strictly Come Dancing, their version of Dancing with the Stars. She was the finale female contestant to be eliminated, and while that’s not exactly marrying a famous soccer player or getting knocked up by a hasbeen comedian, that’s keepin’ busy!
Today She’s: pretty much the same, except she recently gave birth to her own baby. Which reminds me of those Russian dolls where you keep finding smaller and smaller versions of the same thing hidden inside one another. Creepy.
Possible New Nickname: Toddler Spice (since she’s grown up just a little).


i've got talent and bangs, i don't need no freakin' nickname

Mel C aka “Sporty Spice”
When We Left Her: She was the least popular Mel of the group, and filled in the Spice Girls’ unofficial “alternative lifestyle” slot.
Today She’s: got bangs, tattoos, and more than one tracksuit in her closet. Oh, apparently she also released four successful albums and is an extremely successful solo artist in the United Kingdom. But really, if an album drops in England, does it really make a sound?
Possible New Nickname: Cleans Up Nice Spice (mostly because it rhymes).

More Adorable Than Knut's GAP Ad

I seriously love these two so much I want, to quote Punch Drunk Love, "smash their face in with a sledgehammer."


LOVE US! LAUGH AT US! WE ARE YOUR COMEDY GODS!

I have a huge crush on GOB... I mean Will Arnett... aw, who am I kiddin', GOB steals my heart. And my yaught. He will always be mi hermano ("hermano" means "lover", right?)

I hope to be Amy Poehler one day. I mean, not be her, because that involves throwing her down a well and demanding she put lotion in the basket and then wearing her skin and actually "being" her. I think Lorne Michaels would notice. And Will Arnett.

I saw Amy perform at the UCB-LA theatre, and she's just as funny in person. Oddly enough, she is shown actual-size on my TV set, because she's the itty-bittiest woman I've ever seen. Plus, she was wearing a wedding BLING that sparkled up the entire stage, and I was sitting in the last row in the back. Mah gaw, Will, that ring must be made of a whole lot of Arrested Development money! (Sadly, I don't think he could purchase a cheeseburger combo with any of the profits from Let's Go To Prison.)

So if there are any magicians out there reading this while on a segway... I'll be here. Wearing Amy Poehler's skin as a mask.

Scary For the Wrong Reasons

levitating devil girl... a hard act to follow

It’s finally October, which is my favorite month because it includes my favorite holiday of the year – Columbus Day. (What can I say? I’m a proud American who takes pride in geographical miscalculations and three day weekends.) October also includes my second favorite holiday, Halloween. I may not get Halloween off from work, but I get to wear lingerie and bunny ears to the office without it being casual Friday. Also, I can decorate my cubicle with pumpkin-assorted paraphernalia while trying to pass off my stale Valentine’s Day chocolates as recently purchased. (Those aren’t pink hearts… they’re disfigured, faceless Jack-O-Lanterns. Covered in blood.) Halloween crept up on me this year, mostly because the Rob Zombie remake of the classic 1978 Halloween was released in August. Whose genius marketing campaign was that? Is the same man responsible for Kelly Clarkson releasing an album called My December in June? Or for originally programming Friday Night Lights on a Tuesday?

October is the Scariest Time of the Year – it’s when I finally realize I’ve got only two more months to shed all that weight from my New Years resolution. It’s also the month where the most scary (as in “numerous” and “very scary”) movies air on cable, all ripe for the picking. And there’s nothing I enjoy more than being frightened by things that ultimately don’t hurt me. Give me a horror movie, an upside down rollercoaster, a late menstrual cycle – anything to get my heart racing a mile a minute!

I developed my love of fright from my mother, who loves nothing more than a good horror film (or a good bad horror film). Over the course of my childhood, my mom and I shared many bowls of popcorn watching the cinematic works of Stephen King: The Shining, Carrie, Misery, Cujo, Pet Sematary, IT. She wouldn’t let me go outside alone long enough to check the mailbox and I wasn’t allowed to use the toaster-oven until I was fifteen, but for some reason her overprotective nature did not feel it was necessary to shield me from zombie cats or rabid dogs. While I played upstairs with my toys, it wasn’t unusual for her to yell up to me, “Poltergeist! Channel 12!” and I would toss my Pound Puppies and My Little Ponies aside to watch little Carol Anne be literally sucked inside her television while I was figuratively sucked inside mine.

My mother even took me out of my second grade class early so we could go see a matinee show of Child’s Play 2. (Today: child abuse; Then: family outing!) I was still at the age where the Tooth Fairy didn’t seem so implausible to me, but I wasn’t afraid of Pennywise the Clown - or Kathy Bates! (This was before her nude hot tub scene in About Schmidt.) My childhood innocence of the world kept the monsters and murderers and ghosts in my television, and kept me safe and sound in my den where nothing truly terrifying could ever get me. By eighth grade I was making weekly trips to the video store for The Exorcist, Silence of the Lambs, Psycho, Friday the 13th and Seven, where the bored teenagers working there didn’t care that I was five years shy of the legal age to rent R-rated films. Watching endless amounts of horror movies growing up turned me into the true cinephile I am today, as opposed to a psychopath. It was a coin toss, really.

I recently saw The Exorcist at a movie screening that took place in a cemetery, which was almost as fitting as the time I saw Chicago while on vacation in Chicago. I realized a graveyard is the only setting to watch what I insist is the most satisfying horror film of all time. The movie not only succeeds in being genuinely disturbing and suspenseful, but it’s well-acted, well-written, and overall well-crafted. It was probably the most fun I’ll ever have surrounded by thousands of dead bodies (I hope – it’s never too late for the psycho gene to finally show itself). Horror movies nowadays rarely possess any of these qualities, and generally fall into one or all of these categories:

So Bad It’s Entertaining But Ultimately Still Bad: These are the movies that are badly written, horribly acted, and cheaply produced (in terms of quality, not budget), but still lack any of the energy or fun you’ll find in an Evil Dead movie or anything from Troma Films. Re: Snakes on a Plane, House of Wax, Resident Evil.

Torture Porn: These are for people who enjoy spending money and eighty minutes of their life watching pretty girls get tied up and gagged. Or disembowled. Or beheaded/delimbed/deflowered. In a giant maze of glass and barbed wire. I’d call these types of people who find torture entertaining sadists, but really they’re masochists, since they voluntarily subject themselves to movies that aren’t very good. Actually, I’ll call them “your average American moviegoer.” Me, I'm stickin' with good ole regular porn. Re: Saw 1-4, Captivity, Hostel.

BOO!: Things jump out unexpectedly at the screen and scare you. Although these movies may look good, the story and characters are flat and shock replaces suspense in just about every heavily-background-scored scene. Re: The Ring, The Ring 2, The Grudge, The Grudge 2, The Hills Have Eyes, The Hills Have Eyes 2.

Call me a cynic, a snob or a traditionalist, but I don’t have time to develop the acquired taste necessary for enjoying the unappetizing Saw franchise or the endless amount of The Grudgy Ring Has Eyes sequels. October only comes once a year, and if I plan to enjoy my thrills and chills the right way, the power of Christ compels me to stay out of the multiplex and stick with The Exorcist. My mom would be proud.


one of the creepiest images in all of cinema... and nothing's even happening. mad props to the cinematographer

I KNEW HE WAS THE BEST!

I started watching American Idol at the beginning of Season 3 purely for ironic purposes. I wanted to make fun of people like all other true-blooded Americans. That's why reality TV is so successful and continues to be successful. We should just relabel it Shadenfreude TV.

anyway, so Idol is my guilty pleasure, but I guess I'm not so guilty since I'm openly admitting my love for the show, even though it's incredibly cheesy at times and how PRODUCT PLACEMENT it becomes and how they continue to let through horrible, horrible singers as opposed to decent-to-very-good tenors who have a unique style all their own. (Yes, I auditioned. And no, I'm not bitter.*)

My favorite this past season since the moment I laid eyes on him was Blake Lewis. He looked different, he sounded different, he had nice tattoos, dressed well, and dyed his hair emo-black halfway through the show. What's not to like?


do not be fooled by my sweatervest, i am very awesome

Well, I'm happy to say that he just leaked his first single and it's a fun dance track, not some sappy This Is My Moment Now So Thanks In Your Heaven kind of crap that Idol alumni usually release. Take a listen for yourself, and if you have any reality-TV competition prejudices, just pretend you're hearing it on the radio in your car for the first time. Don't tell me you wouldn't car-dance if you heard this on your commute to work.

Powered by AOL Video

*I'm extremely bitter.

I Swear I Had Nothing To Do With This

i feel so goooood right now, i love you

This is just about the funniest thing I've ever read:

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) -- Customs officers discovered nearly 10.5 ounces of ecstasy tablets hidden inside a Mr. Potato Head toy sent to Australia from Ireland, the agency said Thursday.

Upon opening the parcel, the officers were greeted with the smiling face of the popular children's toy, which features a potato-like head and removable facial features. But when they removed a panel from the back of the toy, the officers found 10.34 ounces of ecstasy in a plastic bag.

The Australian Customs Service referred the matter to federal police, but no arrests were immediately made, the agency said. The maximum penalty for importing drugs to Australia is life imprisonment.

Wow, whatever Irish kid it was who sent this to his mates in Australia must have been on drugs while shipping this package. They'll never think to look inside a children's toy that was probably designed by someone who took lots of drugs! Those people at customs are smarter than you think! (Then again, I had an assortment of "unmentionables" shipped to me from overseas without any hassle. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm obviously just talking about Tim-Tams.)



Look at all those pills! It's like how I spent last weekend, but inside the head of a cartoon potato man. What a waste. Think of all the massages and relationships based on a false sense of adoration that will never happen because no one will be ingesting those babies. Pity.

Broadcaster Behind the Scenes

Do you wonder what it's like at my job? Well, wonder no more. Or actually, you'll probably be scratching your head a whole lot more after viewing this video our sound guy made. Questions will enter your mind, like They get paid to do this? and What the hell is going on? The answers to those questions are "Yes, weird, huh?" and "I have no idea either." Enjoy!

Quote of the Day: Caveman Edition

"Well, sometimes we all hope for the absolute worst and we're stuck with 'just okay'. But we manage."
--me, to my coworker who was dissapointed that Caveman was medicore at best, as opposed to the ridiculously, laughable horrible he was expecting


hey! i'm better than According to Jim but not as good as Two and a Half Men! Score!

Britney's Tragedy Saves World From Adequately Remembering Actual Real-Life Tragedy

Today is the anniversary of 9/11, and since I'm a (proud, albeit Los Angelfied) New Yorker, I feel the need to acknowledge it here. However, I am also an entertainer and the last thing I want to do is make everybody cry. That's Britney's job. I like making people laugh. So in the spirit of patriotism and satire, I give you this:

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Were this an ordinary Tuesday night, Wendy Vance would return home from her receptionist job at a Springfield chiropractor's office and spend the evening engaged in any number of empty, meaningless diversions: watching old, taped episodes of Friends, browsing the new issue of Cosmopolitan, or driving to Center Square Mall to browse for shoes.

Tonight, however, the 29-year-old is unable to bring herself to turn on the TV or even half-heartedly flip through the new Pottery Barn catalog. Instead, she has decided to visit her grandmother in nearby Mountain Grove.

"If none of this had happened, right now I'd probably be watching that stupid Journey VH1 Behind The Music episode for the 40,000th time. Or talking to my friend Kerri about the Gap skirt I want," said Vance, holding her grandmother's frail, time-worn hand. "Now, all I can think about is how precious life is, and how important it is to spend quality time with the people who matter to you, because everything could change in an instant."

Added Vance: "I just want my regular life back."

Vance is not alone. Shaken by the tragic events of Sept. 11, people across the nation have abandoned such inconsequential concerns as the Gary Condit scandal and Britney Spears' skimpy outfit at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. No longer are they talking about shark attacks or what's-his-name, that Little Leaguer who was too old to play. Instead, they're focusing on the truly important things in life: friends, family, and being good to one another.

Read the rest of the article here at The Onion.

Today I heard conversations about and read more about Britney Spears' performance at the VMA's on Sunday than of 9/11. Looks like it's safe to care about stupid bullshit again!

There Will Be Film Geek Orgasms

IMDB says the release date is December 26. Consequently, that will be the happiest day of my year/life. It's all downhill from there until Paul Thomas Anderson releases another movie.

Here's the trailer, for those of you who want to just kinda have no idea what this movie is about, as opposed to not watching it whatsoever and being completely surprised at every milisecond of genius yet to come:

Worst. Shoes. Ever. Period. Emoticon of Frustration >:-o

Now, I'm an openminded person. I don't like making generalizations. But I'm pretty sure the torture chambers on Mary-Kate Olson's feet are the absolute, all-time WORST SHOES EVER:


they were my magic shoes, momma said they'd take me anywhere

There Are No Words (Only Videos)

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After the After:



Ed. Note - I miss you, So Much Potential Britney... so much.

Hey! Remember Me?!?

I stopped dating that tall music dude with the weird faces... and now he's in GAP ads! Stupid boy! I haven't managed to get drunk enough to get a DUI (two midori sours and I'm gone!). I've also tried to pick up a coke habit but coke is itchy!!! Aa-choo! I'm also not super-de-duper talented, but not untalented enough to be a trainwreck, and I can't be a bad mother cause I never had kids! At least I don't think so... wait lemme text Nick. [texting: nick did we make babies on newlyweds lol i forgetz). So I guess it's back to not wearing bras to get some attention around here! Howdy, ya'll!

I'm back, too! Three cheers (and double D's) for the return of P&B!

Re-Spice Up Your Life

Now...

Posh: "After my next surgery, they'll be out to here!"

And then...


we never met a colour we didn't like

The Spice Girls are back!.... in my newest INsite column! Get caught up on the spices by clicking here, so you'll be fully prepared when you go to see their concert this December.**

**Yes, I know, you probably won't be seeing their concert this December. I just didn't want to feel so cold and alone (and ashamed).

Did you miss my previous columns? Well, click away!

July 07 Fall TV Preview

June 2007

May 2007

Quote of the Day, Ridiculous Lawyer Edition

As reported on IMDB news...

A 33-year-old mechanic has been arrested in connection with the robbery of Kirsten Dunst's New York hotel suite. Dunst's penthouse at the Soho Grand was broken into on August 9. The gang stole designer bags, $2,500 in cash, credit and ID cards, two digital cameras, a cell phone and an iPod music player. James Jimenez, 33, was arrested on Sunday and charged with burglary and grand larceny. Police believe Jimenez was the accomplice of Jarrod Beinerman, who was arrested last week. Jimenez's lawyer, John Bostany tells the New York Post, "I know James has the deepest respect for Spider-Man and would never want anything to happen to Spider-Man's girlfriend."

That's the kind of genius that comes out of the mouth of a lawyer given to you by the court.

Keep in mind, Mr. Jimenez's affections for Spider-Man still remained even after seeing Spider-Man 3! I guess I'm not the only one who prefers Spidey as an angsty emo kid.


i hate you, sandman! i wrote a mean poem about you in my spiral notebook!

Quote of the Day

"Riding in this car with you guys is like watching Billy Elliot on repeat."

-me, to my three male co-workers whose maturity levels combined would not be tall enough to ride any rollercoaster at any legitimate travelling carnival. I meant to say Billy Madison, but since working here with them, my intelligence has dramatically dropped so low that I mistook an idiotic Adam Sandler vehicle with the movie about a teenage boy who dreams of joining the ballet.

Upon hearing this, all three jumped out of the car and began to twirl.

Sometimes I love working here. Now, I'm off to go play with shiny things. Oh my god, am I becoming a bumbling yokel since graduating.

Ooh, that dog has a puffy tail! Here puff! Here puff!

I Am Here

Good ole New York. I grew up on Long Island which is just an hour train ride away, but because I had (and still have) the most overprotected mother this side of a woman who is still pregnant and doesn't let her fetus go out with its friends unless it calls every hour on the hour and definitely won't let ride the subway at night, I never got to explore much of Manhattan. This past week, though, I've been making up for it by frequenting The Village, the East Village, Alphabet City, Union Square, Chelsea, Central Park, Times Square, Hell's Kitchen, walking around all day and eating in absolutely no chain restaurants or bars. It's delightful. This is definitely the vacation I needed.

More updates to come. Thanks for being patient and humoring me that I actually have people who read this site. Aww. Don't worry, I'll be back to my vapid, superficial celebrity ramblings soon enough.