More Like Marilyn Mon-HOE

Marilyn Monroe is a tragic classic Hollywood figure, and she's also a fucking icon. You, Lindsay Lohan, are no icon.



You are an It Girl. In fifty years, no one will have paintings of YOU hanging in their art galleries or on the walls of their mansion. No teenage girl is going to have a print of one of those photographs hanging in her bedroom, lip synching in their brush to "Rumors". I would even say Britney has a better shot of infamy than you ever will. So stop fucking thinking you're here to stay. You aren't. I bet your liver won't last another year, give or take.

Also, Lindsay has become a true-to-form Butterface. No wonder she draped a sheet over her head. Her body's the only thing left she's got going for her, since her looks, her talent and her health have gone MIA. Furthermore... New York magazine? Seriously? She couldn't expose herself in, say, Vanity Fair or W or Vogue, something a little bit more high-end fashion? Girl may as well have done a Playboy spread. You know that's coming one more rehab vacay away.

I don't even want this Long Island Lolita's bits tainting my beautiful blog, so I'll provide the link for you to see the rest of the pics, but you'll have to provide your own lube.


get the eff off your high horse, bitch

It's Not TV, It's HBO..... Actually, On Second Inspection, These Are Loafers

Don't you love a blog post that begins with a random Simpsons quote thrown into the subject heading for no reason whatsoever? I do! Ah, it's gonna be a good day.

Well, it's that time of the month again. No, I'm not talking about my menstrual cycle. That would be weird to blog about.

No, no. It's Click On This Link And Read My Monthly Column in INsite Boston!!! Yaaaay!

Fall TV Preview

If you don't, Lindsay Lohan will be sent to rehab in Iraq. And you wouldn't want this innocent little starlet to get a piece of shrapnel embedded into her skin while she's trying to detox, would you? Would you??


peace in the middle east or whatevs, lolz!!1!

**yes i did this photoshop (for work... but I probably would have made it eventually anyway of my own accord)

**Did you miss my previous columns? Well, click away!

June 2007

May 2007

Girlfriend Is FUCKED

an adequite mug shot

Reports TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan might be adding a whole lotta striped jumpsuits to her wardrobe.

Already facing charges for driving under the influence and misdemeanor hit and run in Beverly Hills, Lindsay racked up even more charges last night in Santa Monica, and is now facing big-time jail time.

The maximum sentence she faced for the original DUI and hit and run charges was 6 months for each. Last night, Lindsay was charged with another DUI -- if convicted of both DUIs, she could face up to one year in jail. And the horror doesn't stop there! She was also charged with possession of cocaine, which is a felony and carries a maximum of three years in jail.

La Lohan is accused of driving on a suspended license as well, which carries a maximum of one year in jail. Her frenemy Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days for the same offense.

As far as the allegation of bringing cocaine into a correctional facility -- our sources tell us that this charge will most likely be dropped, because it is only enforced if someone transports drugs to an inmate in custody. La Lohan didn't willingly go to jail last night!

Judges don't take kindly to arrestees whose crimes occur so close together -- so it's quite possible that the proverbial book will be thrown at her. In a worst case scenario, Lilo could face SIX YEARS in jail!

Lindsay and I attended the same high school at the same time (I was a senior, she was the freshman "who was in that Parent Trap movie"). I feel as though we share a kinship, although I graduated Calhoun High School with honors, and she left junior year to eventually become a movie star, recording artist, and firecrotch. Because of our shared Long Island upbringing (me, Linds, and Amy Fischer - Long Island's finest), I take special note of the comings and goings of Miss Lohan in all her Adventures Through the Car Windsheild. I make jokes and poke fun, but seriously, the girl's probably hiding WMD's in her nasal cavity alone. Someone needs to chain this girl to a radiator Black Snake Moan style before she kills herself. Although I bet her funeral at Pure nightclub would be the party of the year. She should preoder a Louis Vioutton coffin before Britney picks up the last one.


OMG, i can't stop driving things!!!
(thanks LOLHAN blog for the giggles)

Finding Emo

Another hilarious installment of News Shows That Need Filler So They Attack Teenage Styles They Don't Understand:




But honestly, what in the eff has My Chemical Romance ever done to you, stupid CBS reporters? They're attacked almost as much as FAKE EMO ONLINE QUIZZES that ARE IN ON THE FUCKING JOKE. Gerard Way and the rest of the MCR should not be scapegoated for anyone cutting themself a la Marilyn Manson during the Columbine era - ya know, there's a lot of people out there cutting themselves, and they wear Abercrombie & Fitch. Some even wear Karl Lagerfeld (and no underwear underneath). Don't blame a brilliant (and highly entertaining live) band who has no interest in encouraging kids to hurt themselves. Sometimes ignorance stops being funny and just starts getting on my nerves.

Grr! Bex angry!

On another note, after watching that video, I'm less terrified of EMO coming to get me than I am of this guy:

My Mom Has a Mug with My Face On It From When I Was Eight, Does That Count?

As if there weren't enough people talking about Paris Hilton (myself included in this sad mob), and as if Paris doesn't talk about herself enough, she has now gone the extra step of wearing herself:


stars are blind, and now so are you!

Thank god she went the extra mile. For one precious, beautiful, heavenly second I almost forgot Paris Hilton existed. All I needed was the gentle push of a ridiculous photo op.

Who am I even kidding? I'm voluntarily discussing her on my blog. Thank you for holding up the bar of lunacy, Paris. What on earth would I constantly complain about if not for you and your legion of wenches?


double, double, Hyde and trouble

Other Sponsors for Lindsay Lohan's 21st Birthday

Svedka Vodka has pulled out as the sponser for Lindsay's 21st birthday party in July. What's a girl to do? Don't fret my Long Island pet - there are tons other companies and businesses out there that would love to endorse your sober (unlikely) big 2-1!

Dasani Strawberry-Flavored Water



it's not cocaine, but it's your favorite flavor! Plus you wouldn't get so dehydrated all the time.

Victoria's Secret Cotton Panties



The best way to put out a firecrotch is to cover it.