as pretty as David, as robotic and numb as Victoria

Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Monday, February 18, 2008

More Like Marilyn Mon-HOE

Marilyn Monroe is a tragic classic Hollywood figure, and she's also a fucking icon. You, Lindsay Lohan, are no icon.



You are an It Girl. In fifty years, no one will have paintings of YOU hanging in their art galleries or on the walls of their mansion. No teenage girl is going to have a print of one of those photographs hanging in her bedroom, lip synching in their brush to "Rumors". I would even say Britney has a better shot of infamy than you ever will. So stop fucking thinking you're here to stay. You aren't. I bet your liver won't last another year, give or take.

Also, Lindsay has become a true-to-form Butterface. No wonder she draped a sheet over her head. Her body's the only thing left she's got going for her, since her looks, her talent and her health have gone MIA. Furthermore... New York magazine? Seriously? She couldn't expose herself in, say, Vanity Fair or W or Vogue, something a little bit more high-end fashion? Girl may as well have done a Playboy spread. You know that's coming one more rehab vacay away.

I don't even want this Long Island Lolita's bits tainting my beautiful blog, so I'll provide the link for you to see the rest of the pics, but you'll have to provide your own lube.


get the eff off your high horse, bitch

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Hey! Remember Me?!?



I stopped dating that tall music dude with the weird faces... and now he's in GAP ads! Stupid boy! I haven't managed to get drunk enough to get a DUI (two midori sours and I'm gone!). I've also tried to pick up a coke habit but coke is itchy!!! Aa-choo! I'm also not super-de-duper talented, but not untalented enough to be a trainwreck, and I can't be a bad mother cause I never had kids! At least I don't think so... wait lemme text Nick. [texting: nick did we make babies on newlyweds lol i forgetz). So I guess it's back to not wearing bras to get some attention around here! Howdy, ya'll!

I'm back, too! Three cheers (and double D's) for the return of P&B!

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

My Typical Romance

If you've been paying attention, then you've figured out that I have a type. This guy. This guy (who, consequently but not coincidentally, resembles my ex-boyfriend). And this guy. What do all of these boyish men have in common? They are rockstars (William Beckett of The Academy Is, Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy, and Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, respectively).

Wow. A chick who digs musicians. Mindblowing.

Yeah, okay, I'm not special. And I've dated plenty of other guys (if you redefine the word "plenty") that don't fit the rockstar/brooding musician type at all. I can find men appealing who don't sing about failed relationships and wear black clothes and makeup. But that's only because there aren't that many of them and a girl's gotta eat (so to speak).

This past weekend I was flooded with MY TYPE at every corner at the Projekt Revolution tour in San "I'm Actually a Desert, Barnes & Noble and Chili's Nonwithstanding" Bernadino, California. My good friend Brian and his band won an MTV contest and were performing as the very, very, very opening act of the entire tour, headlined by Linkin Park and, 50% my reason for attending, My Chemical Romance. Swoon.

I met Brian my very first day of classes at my very first class, freshman year at college. It was Intro to Film (as if I needed an introduction to something I had been self-educating myself about since birth) and the TA had everyone break the ice by sharing a recent movie that they enjoyed. Brian, a heterosexual male, said Moulin Rouge which had come out just a few months previous, and you could immediately sense an entire classroom of film school snobs (yep, even on Day 1) judging his choice, conforming to the then-popular Baz Luhrman backlash. Uncharacteristic of me, but perhaps out of a survival of the fittest adrenaline rush of needing to make friends, I approached this attractive stranger after class and simply said, "I agree with you, I really loved Moulin Rouge." We realized we had lots more in common, including a love of Alanis Morissette and No Doubt (concerts we attended together in the years to come), dancing like idiots at sorority and frat invites, a similar ridiculous sense of humor and obsession with pop culture. And thus a friendship was born!

Brian has remained a busy and distant friend but a supportive one throughout the years. He's always done his best to make my improv troupe performances, and I always go to his band's gigs when I can make it, even if I go alone. His band, Art of Chaos, is not typically the type of music I like -- it's a bit louder and heavier than something I would normally listen to. Then again, I never proclaim a love for a band just because it is of a particular genre of music (Linkin Park and Good Charlotte, I'm referring to you).

That said, because I've given it more airplay on my iPod than I would have given it had I not known someone in said band, I've grown to really love Art of Chaos' music. It's catchy, it's emotional, it's not just screaming into a mic - in fact it's not screaming at all, and Brian has a lovely tenor voice atypical in his band's chosen genre of music. I can happily say I'm not just humoring him; I really do enjoy his band's music (which you can check out here). Which is a pleasure, because I thankfully don't have to lie to his face, which is what I probably would do even if I couldn't stand it. That's what friends are for, right?

So, since I am a lady of my word and had last Saturday free, I spent close to $100 on a LOGE 1 ticket, and drove to San Bernadino alone to see Brian and his bandmates perform at one of the biggest gigs of their career (so far). Okay, maaaaybe I also wanted to see My Chemical Romance and I chose to get orchestra seats as opposed to general lawn for $30... but as all my slutty friends say, if you're gonna go, go all the way. And use protection. Sunscreen, of course. Pervs.

I got to The 'Bernadino (new FOX drama?) at 11:45am and a line thousands of people long had already formed. I bypassed everyone and waited at the top of the hill, near the entrance. At about 12:30, they started letting people in at the precise moment I heard Brian's voice come through a loudspeaker. They started playing their first song the very second the gates opened. Talk about an opening act.

I wasn't going to miss him, not after driving an hour and a half and spending tons of money and getting there at the very, very beginning of a 12 hour music festival. I cut absolutely everyone in line, got my ticket ripped, and RAN to the Revolution stage where they were finishing their first song to about, oh, the ten people ahead of me in line who got there first.



I saw their whole show (always engaging, like old pro rockstars), but unfortunately most of their entourage of friends, family and fans missed it because of the line. Another shining example that sometimes, just sometimes, being selfish and cheating your way to the top is the way to go. I never said this blog was a role model.

I spent the rest of the afternoon waiting to say hello and congrats to Brian while he signed autographs (seriously - there is nothing weirder than seeing your friend you've known for a long time sign autographs and take pictures with strangers). Then it was a combination of tanning, texting, calling my mom, reading tabloids, spending as much money as possible on the worst food imaginable ($96 for a ticket and the best you can offer me is a limp cheeseburger combo? SHENANIGANS!), listening to my iPod, admiring the thousands of tattooes on display, trying to figure out what a seven-year old is doing at this type of concert when I can't remember having a taste in music when I was seven, trying to sneak backstage with Brian (to no avail), until this happened:



I can't say enough good things about this band. My ex tried to get me into them, but the only thing he showed me was the "I'm Not Okay" video, and while amusing and tongue-in-cheek, Gerard Way looked like, as I quote, "a monster".

He changed his hair a few times, sobered up, put away (some) of his eyeliner, and needles to say, I changed my mind, too:


i wear my sunglasses at night


Brian met him backstage and the only thing I could do to keep from weeping was lick Brian's hand that shook Gerard's. Okay, I didn't really do that, but it's frustrating to be so close yet so far to someone you would pretty much stage a vag attack on the second you meet them just from listening to the music they create. In fact I think it would be fair to say I get sexually aroused just by watching MCR perform live, turned on to 11 seeing Gerard goosetep all over stage (no really, he does that a lot). Do I need therapy? Or a bandana and a pack of Mentos to get backstage? Both, probably.

In any respect, Art of Chaos is just a few more live performances and a Rolling Stone cover away from inspiring multiple orgasms. And that's pretty much the best endorsement I can give.

Friday, July 6, 2007

They Grow Up So Fast, Don't They?

One minute they're a fresh-faced polar bear cub that's always ready for a cuddle from one of the millions of people whose hearts have been warmed by their precious little smile...



And the next minute, they're giving blow-jobs to any zookeeper that'll show 'em the time of day.



Don't do this to yourself, Knut. We miss you. Come home. We'll get you the help you need. You don't have to subject yourself to this.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Fall Out Week - Moment #4


i'm so angsty!


F.O.B Week continues here on P&B. This is all a bit different from Gwen Stefani week - I don't really have life changing experiences with this band. There's really only two experiences of note (which are obviously reserved for slots #1 and #2) and besides that, I just really, really love their songs. It's that simple. Touching lyrics and catchy music (and an excellent singing voice) are the way to my heart. (Add skinny jeans and eyeliner and you've found the map to my crotch.)

Most of my favorite F.O.B. songs don't even have videos, so the music vids I choose to highlight this week are more a P.S. than videos I wholeheartedly endorse. I'm including "Saturday"'s video because

a) it's their earliest video (You've come a long way, baby!)

b) they close every concert (i've ever been to, anyway) with this song for some reason

c) Pete Wentz really looks like my ex in this video*


*You'll probably never see a pic of my ex (of whom I'm still friendly with) in this blog being that i have (some) respect for his privacy; if alluded to at all, I'll try to just keep it on my side of things. Sometimes I honestly feel bad for anyone who lets me into their life, nonetheless dates me, because you never know if you'll end up in a blog post or a song. I should just apologize at the beginning of every introduction of anybody I ever come into contact with. (extends hand) Hi, I'm Bex, I am so sorry that in a few weeks when you inevitably become a douchenozzle and I am too emotional about it to deal with it maturely, I'm going to end up writing this. Just thought I'd warn ya! Anyway, so watch the video and know that I got to bone (Ed. note-- is "bone" exlusively a Guy's Only euphimism for "fuck"? Cause that ain't fair) somebody like Pete Wentz for a few months. Hot.



And because everyone's all like "what in the eff are F.O.B. saying???", here are the written out lyrics to one of my favorite songs (without a video, as it was not a single), with possibly the best title of any song ever. Some of the lines in this song are absolutely heartbreaking to me. Oh, Petey, you can come cry on my shoulder. And on my vagina.

"Homesick At Spacecamp"

Landing on a runway in Chicago and I'm grounding all my dreams
of ever really seeing California, because I know what's in between
is something sensual in such non-conventional ways.
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't (say).

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
(Tonight I'm writing you) a million miles away

Tonight is all about "We miss you" (We miss you) "We miss you" (We miss you)
Tonight is all about "We miss you"
And I can't forget your style or your cynicism,
somehow it was like you were the first to listen to everything we said.
My smile's an open wound without you...and my hands are tied to pages inked to bring you back.

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
(Tonight I'm writing you) a million miles away

Tonight is all about "We miss you" (We miss you) "We miss you" (We miss you)
Tonight is all about "We miss you now"

These friends are, new friends are golden [x3]
These friends are, new friends are...

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
These friends are, new friends are golden

Friday, June 15, 2007

Thanks, Japan!: Come ON Already, Toshi

Do you like me? Respect me? Trust me? Good. You'll have to trust me when I say watch this video. Now. Especially if you're at work. In Japan. With the speakers up as loud as possible. And take notes!



Where is this Toshi?! He doesn't know what he's missing with this geisha gal! I hear "First Rate Cunt Lapping" and I don't need to be told twice to get my ass in bed.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thanks, Japan!: I'm Hungry... Let's Go To Third Base

Here's your daily Thanks, Japan moment. I wish it was filmed in night vision.



Who doesn't love something tasty and wet in their mouth? Ya know, like a penis during a blow job?....... or noodle soup. Yeah. Noodle soup. Anyway.

I like to imagine this actress talking with her parents. It would probably go something, uh-like this:

ring ring... ring ring...

Actress' Mom: Hello?

Actress: Hey, mom! Guess what! I got a starring role in a commercial!

Actress' Mom: Thank's amazing, honey! What's it for?

Actress: A popular brand of noodle soup!

Actress' Mom: I'm so proud of you!

Several months later the commercial airs in Japan.

ring ring... ring ring...

Actress' Mom: Hello?

Actress: Hey mom... it's me...

Actress' Mom: I. HAVE. NO. DAUGHTER. You have brought shame on your family.

Mom hangs up. Actress commits sepuku.

SCENE.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Hell of a Lot Sexier Than a Black Silouette Against a White Background

If you don't already own an iPod, you will after seeing this photo.



It would be a lot more appropriate if she was listening to/wearing one of these