IDOL BYE-BYE: David Hernandez

Poor David. Ousted before his time. Granted, I never particularly liked him, and although he was a competent singer, I'd rather put together a delicious chocolate milk beverage than watch his performance because, quite simply, he's boring. Also, I'm over the stripper jokes (and he is too, probably).

No one deserved to go worse than Kristy Lee Cook who turned The Beatles into a jamboree. This little girl gave a better performance than KLC did on Tuesday:

IDOL RECAP: Amanda Amanda Amanda!

Hey guys! So I'm back and ready for American Idol Bloggy McUpdates. I don't even bother until the Final 12 (cause, let's face it, i'm lazy and can only keep this up for 12 weeks instead of a billion). Here we go! (and thanks TMZ for agreeing with me on the above image)

It's Beatles night on Idol, and I'm a fan of The Beatles' music, but I'm not like one of those crazy faaaaaaaaans who compare every song ever not written by The Beatles with songs written by The Beatles. I also thought Across the Universe was semi-awful/semi-good, as opposed to Beatles faaaaaaaans who flat out detested it. But uh-oh, Chipmunk David Archuleta already used his Beatles song with Imagine. He should just sing it again, there ain't no way he can top it.

"Say hello to your brand new set” -- Ryan

Hi new set! Sure, I guess it looks nice, but is anyone really talking about the set the day after the Oscars? Who the eff cares where the good stuff happens? They can sing outside on an apple box for all I care about the set.

Oh god. This is going to be 2 hours long because the first hour is just introducing the set. Though the set probably has a more well put together interview package than Kristy Lee Cook.

sYESsha – singing... a Beatles song? I've never heard this one.

I can't get that get that weird baby sound out of my head. Not a good sign. But the fact I can't recognize this song should be a compliment for Syesy, since I can't compare her to The Beatles. Sounds like an R&B song. Oh, I love this girl. She's damn cute. I'm predicting…. Top 7? She’s the only black girl in the competition as opposed to Black Girl Divathon from Season 3 (Fantasia, LaToya, J-Hud) so she should keep getting votes for awhile.

Chikeze – She's a Woman

TWINNIE ALERT – Forest Whitaker. C'mon, you can so see it.

Used to be an LAX baggage worker/security – Oh my god I want Chikeze checking to see if I packed drugs in my teddy bears.
I was about to say "don't quit your airport day job" but I LOVE this. He’s doing something different, and I can totally see his personality everytime he's on stage. ENOUGH OF THE BLAKE LEWIS SWEATER VESTS though. Dress for the big night that it is! He won me over. And I thought he was gone last week, too! THIS is what gets you votes – DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT even when you’re NOT singing. Prance and dance! Shout WOO a billion times like Jaime Fox!

Raimele – In My Life
Haha she dedicates her performancde for her “close friends who left the show already” awwww she misses her gay bff what's his face, his name is already gone from my memory. Sanjaya you are not, sir! (madam?)
Most importantly, of course, is her dress style is getting a LOT better with that cute giant white belt. She’s got the crowd waving! That couldn't possibly be the work of the producers, could it?!
I kind of love this version too. What’s happening to me?? Why doesn’t anyone suck???
How much you wanna bet someone mentions her height??
THOUGHT: Miss Saigon movie musical much? She could SO be Kim. Don't lie to yourself. You know she could.
Very subtle performance… it was sweet. Controlled.

Oh god Paula and her backwards compliments. “you look pretty tonight.” Kiss of death. Aaaaand they don't like it. Simon tears her a new one. She makes a puppy dog face. That might get you out of taking the trash out at home, sweetie, but not here.

Jason Castro – If I Fell

Why is he even on this show? He should be in your local coffeehouse. Oh. Well I guess that’s why. I sorta meant that as a compliment.

He knows he can’t hit those notes, but he plays it endearing. I kind of wish he’d do something fast. That’s not really him though, is it?

“Student in a bedroom at midnight” – Simon. Simon always tells it like it is, even when I like the singer. I guess this stage demands something bigger than acoustic guitar.

Ryan and simon are playfighting… I’m lost.

Carly – Come Together

She’s only been in the country 3 years!!! She’s not even a citizen. I CALL SHENANIGANS! her hair looks ten times better, but I still don’t want my American Idol to have a non-American accent. Call me nationalistic and racist, but seriously, I don't. I'd rather a Kellie Pickler-sounding girl win than someone who represents another nation.
Okay. Its kind of awesome. She’s “in it”. Stop trying to convert me, bitch!
The crowd fucking loves her. I’m still not obsessed. Maybe I like them underdogs.

I think Simon has a winking problem. We kind of don’t do that in America.

DAVID MY BELOVED COOK singing my FAVORITE BEATLES SONG. Elenor Rigby. It’s fate.

TWINNIE ALERT: Emo Jimmy Fallon
He bartended? I bartended! MARRY ME.
Without exaggerating, the chorus gave me chills. Holy god. I WANT HIS SEX.
Simon thinks he could win if it remains a talent competition. I stand by my love of this man. No other critique necessary. So much love.

Brooke White – Let it Be
TWINNIE ALERT: Cate Blanchett?

Playing piano. Is it gonna be boring? I like seeing talented musicians, though. I’m not thrilled but she’s probably a better performer with her own songs. Underwhelming.


We’re halfway through the show. I bet you right now Kristy Lee Cook is leaving next week and she hasn't even performed yet.


David Hernandez – saw her standing there
TWINNIE ALERT: Aladdin with a shirt on?

Pizza parlor? Are you kidding me? WE ALL KNOW. JUST ADMIT IT.
I'm sorry, I went to go make chocolate milk while david was singing. That’s how much I care about him. Boring.

“corny verging on desperate” – simon. As delicious as my chocolate milk.

WHY ARE THERE BREAKS IN BETWEEN EVERY SINGER?!? ANNOYING!


Amanda Overmyer - You Can't Do That (what?)

TWINNE ALERT: Joy from Earl (voice wise) and Beetlejuice. Don't say her name three times!!!

Enough of the black and white skunk look already. But, she's perfect. She wins the Fantasia award for Most Distinct Voice in the competition. She STANDS OUT! And I love her. I'm predicting.... at least Top 5.

Michael Johns - Across the Universe
He's been in America for ten years… hmm. Okay, that's longer than "the irish girl" (as Simon said, forgetting Carly's name) but you’re not an American. BOO! And I love me some Australians!
You don't sing this song unless you can effing BRING IT. And I kind of hate the arrangement. This has been covered so many times. How can you make it new? Answer: you don’t. well, he don’t.

Kristy Lee Cook - Country 8 Days a week?
HAHAHA
I LOVE IT
HOEDOWN!
They said COUNTRY not REDNECK!

“I didn’t enjoy it.” – paula. THANK YOU! You get a gold star for not warbling tonight!

David Archuleta - we can work it out

They gave David Archuleta the pimp slot AGAIN. Why bother having a TV show?

HE FORGOT THE LYRICS!!! GOLDEN BOY FORGOT THE LYRICS!
He finally showed his age, huh? And that licking lips thing really is getting on my nerves.
No wonder he sang ballad after ballad. He looks weird when he shimmies to a fast song.

All in all, I pretty good night. Here's how I'm rating everyone for the night:

1. David Cook 2. Chikeze, 3. Carly 4. Amanda 5. Jason Castro 6. Ramielle 7. Syesha 8. Brooke White 9. Michael Johns 10. David Hernandez 11. David Archuleta 12. Kristy Lee Cook

That ranking is crazy. What's Chikeze doing up there and David doing down there?? More importantly, who's even reading this? Are you?

I KNEW HE WAS THE BEST!

I started watching American Idol at the beginning of Season 3 purely for ironic purposes. I wanted to make fun of people like all other true-blooded Americans. That's why reality TV is so successful and continues to be successful. We should just relabel it Shadenfreude TV.

anyway, so Idol is my guilty pleasure, but I guess I'm not so guilty since I'm openly admitting my love for the show, even though it's incredibly cheesy at times and how PRODUCT PLACEMENT it becomes and how they continue to let through horrible, horrible singers as opposed to decent-to-very-good tenors who have a unique style all their own. (Yes, I auditioned. And no, I'm not bitter.*)

My favorite this past season since the moment I laid eyes on him was Blake Lewis. He looked different, he sounded different, he had nice tattoos, dressed well, and dyed his hair emo-black halfway through the show. What's not to like?


do not be fooled by my sweatervest, i am very awesome

Well, I'm happy to say that he just leaked his first single and it's a fun dance track, not some sappy This Is My Moment Now So Thanks In Your Heaven kind of crap that Idol alumni usually release. Take a listen for yourself, and if you have any reality-TV competition prejudices, just pretend you're hearing it on the radio in your car for the first time. Don't tell me you wouldn't car-dance if you heard this on your commute to work.

Powered by AOL Video

*I'm extremely bitter.

I Already Miss Blake

Yes I know Jordin won. But this is probably the last time I'll be able to post a photo of Blake Lewis, who is sure to propose to me as soon as we meet (aka me buying tickets to the American Idol tour this summer. I'm just kidding, I would never do that. Would I? Oh god, would I???). Look how cute he is in his argyle sweater, with just the inseeiest bit of tattoo poking out!

Okay, Blake didn't win, but he DID beatbox and rap with Doug-E-Fresh. Singing be damned! That performance was the most fun I've ever had watching American Idol. Did anything that lively happen the Carrie-Bo year? Or the Fantasia-Diana year? NOPE. Thank goodness for Blake bringing some fresh life into this series.

Other guest performers included Gladys Knight, Gwen Stefani via satellite, Green Day (my excitement at them performing was taken over as dissapointment when it turned out to be a boring Save Darfur/The Environment/Africa/Katrina Victims/Rubber Bracelet Industry ballad. Blah.), and all the past Idol winners except Fantasia, who's too busy on Broadway in The Color Purple. Taylor sang with passion and perfect pitch, but it didn't make me want to buy his album. Carrie is the prettiest girl in the universe, but she ruined the prettiest dress in the universe by WEARING IT WITH JEANS. JEANS! And it turns out Kelly Clarkson is pretty short.

So, yay Jordin, my favorite since Day Freaking 1! And more importantly, yay ME, for winning American Idol vicariously through Jordin. I go, girl.

This Is My Crappy Single

Surprisingly, the most hilariously awful/migrain-inducing part of last night's show was not the song that won Idol's Songwriting Challenge (although I did have to take two Aleve and three Midol after hearing it sung TWICE in the same night), but the judges. Simon Cowell looked like a beauty queen compared to Randy's Janet/Black-Michael-Jackson era-style chain jacket and Paula-on-meds with her scrunched up face because of her broken nose. The only way they could look worse is if one of them decided to bring back the ponyhawk.

BLAKEY: You Give Love a Bad Name Redux

Blake needs to smiiiiile more – it makes him come off as nervous. Which he probably is. Personally I wanted different beatboxing than the last time Blake performed this song, particularly cause I've watched that performance a bazillion times already on YouTube. I mean Broadcaster.

JORDIN: Fighter

Jordin, you have a great voice. And I’d say it was a great song choice to show that you’re pop pop pop all the way. But your attitude was lacking and it all felt forced. Maybe you should have gone the entire Xtina route and wore assless chaps. Jordin’s still doing that annoying heart thing again with her hands when Ryan mentions her numbers. Heart shaped hand gestures don't sell albums, Jordy! Assless chaps do!

"Number Of Times Someone Has Mentioned That Jordin Is Seventeen" count: one so far (by simon). Simon also says Round 1 goes to Blake. You know what else goes to Blake? My willing body.

BLAKE: She Will Be Loved Maroon 5 Redux

Didn't he sing Maroon 5 last week? And he didn't beatbox! Wha?? And he also kiiiiiinda couldn’t hit the high notes. But I so want an argyle sweater RIGHT NOW. (With Blake in it.)

But I have to agree with simon. The song and his performance doesn’t leave that much of an impact for the Finale. That happened with Katherine Mcphee last year with “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree”. (PS. I have one super-duper memory and no life.)

JORDIN: Broken Wing one more time

Jordin's race is finally figured out. Black Dad, White Mom. (I think that's a show on Fox's fall lineup.) That's funny, because all season long I thought Jordin's mom would be America Ferrera and her dad would be a Unicorn Butterfly Lollipop hybrid.

"Seventeen count" – 2! (Randy this time)

Oh yeah, and Jordin sings. It sounds pretty, like usual. But most importantly, I want Jordin’s kimono purple toga with fancy belt thing. And I want to match it with a sweater vest.

Speaking of, Blake sings the craptacular "This Is My Now" and his 2nd argle sweater of the night sparkles!!! Way to get dressed up for the finale, blake! And we can see your arm tats. Swooooon-age. But seriously, he text messaged that one in.

The lining of Ryan's fancy Armani-Gucci designer jacket is all Beetlejuice-like with black and white stripes. If anyone mentions that Jordin is seventeen ONE MORE TIME, he turns into a snake monster!!!

OH NO! RYAN SAID IT! "Seveteen, Seventeen, Seventeen!" AHHHHH!

Ok, jordin’s rockin the pop shiznit out of this crappy, crappy, crappy song. This is the same thing Blake sang? And OMG x infinity, jordin started crying at the end of the song! Displaying any emotion = votes votes votes!

And the show's over. I have no idea who will win. Jordin sang better but people can't get enough of Blake, as shown by his loooong applause. Conundrum! Either way, I'll probably be happy since I've loved these two since the very beginning, but I will also be extremely sad because This Is My Now is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Now Daughtry sings over a clip show of the whole season.

Remember when America thought sanjaya was a good singer? And that he had a semi-hot sister?

Remember when Sundance Head was the front runner?

Remember when Chris Sligh was funny?

Oh, and remember when I had a life? I don't either.

Oh, and Celebs in the audience count: Unfortunately the only person I could make out was none other than... Kathy griffin? What’s she promoting? The fact she’s still alive?

Top 3 Like Whoa

okay, okay, I am eating my words. All season long I've been all "this season is total Yawnsville with a rest stop in I Hate Everyonesburg", but man if I'm not happy with the Final 3 contestants! Jordin Sparks, Melinda Doolittle and Blakeypoo (aka Blake Lewis) are a diverse as you can get. As far as I'm concerned they're all getting record deals no matter what. But in the end, we need someone to cry next Wednesday night while they sing a schmaltzy ballad either about being a hero or no one's gonna stop me now or my dream is a reality. (Except for Carrie Underwood's year with "Inside Your Heaven". Why did the winner's song have to be about being co-dependent? The song always and consistently should be along the lines of "I'm a Single Mom with a Crack Baby Living Below the Poverty Line and I Effing Won American Idol, Dammit, Now I Can Do Anything".)

But anyway, after a whole season of Antonellas and Sanjayas and a whole lotta nobodies, can you blame me for despising the talent this season? Thank god for small miracles. And sweater vests. Lots and lots of sweater vests. Now onto the judging!

Jordin Sparks: sang "Wishing on a Star" (Simon's Choice), "She Works Hard for the Money" (Producer's Choice) and "I Who Have Nothing" (her own choice)

Let's sum up Jordin just be what we learned (or kept relearning) on this night. Her favorite song of all time (ALL TIME, IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC, SINCE MUSIC WAS INVENTED DURING THE STONE AGE) is Hanson's "MmmBop". "What do you want from me?" Jordin says. "I'm seventeen!" Yet AGAIN we are reminded that lil Jordin is not even of voting age. She beat Randy and Simon to the punch this time mentioning it. Is this any excuse to like "MmmBop"? Not just like it as a guilty pleasure, but announce it on the most popular television show of all time? When people are voting to keep you on? Okay, Jordin's so pretty pretty pretty and she rocks the essss out of every song she does, and I know she'll get at least three votes (that would be from Isaac, Taylor and Zak), but Little Miss 17 Year Old America Ferrera Stunt Double (did I mention she was only seventeen years old?????!?!?) may have just said bye bye to Idol gold. Also, I am aghast that I know all three name of the Hanson brothers. There goes my Idol gold, too. Damn.

Blake Lewis: sang "Roxanne" (Paula's Choice), "This Love" (Producer's Choice), and some Robin Thicke song that I am immediately going to download once finishing this blog post.

Blake's been my absolute favorite from the beginning, and he's stayed that way because a) okay, he's adorable, even with his little clown nose b) he went from preppy hipster to preppy emo with that hair color switcheroo and I luuuurve it c) he's not afraid to sing songs he actually listens to and not this cheesy Idol schmaltz we're given every season. I would actually buy his record, beatboxing and singing combined.

What we learned about Blake in this episode: Jim Carrey would star him in a movie of his life called "Organized Chaos". The movie doesn't even exist and still more people have gone to see it than "The Number 23". Blake also went back home to Seattle and got to perform with Sir Mix-A-Lot on a beatboxin' version of "Baby Got Back". According to me, the boy has already won. I'd also like to point out that Blake is the only one of the three to sing 3 new songs (Jordin and Melinda both sang a previously performed song). Blake gets two snaps in the snap cup for delivering some new beats, and keeping everything he does fresh and contemporary. Please allow the thirteen year old girl within me whose still clutching onto back issues of BOP and Tiger Beat to say GO BLAKE GO WAAHHHOOO!

Melinda Doolittle: sang "I Believe in You and Me" (Randy's Choice), "Nutbush City Limit" (Producer's Choice), and "I Am a Woman" (her own choice)

What else can I say? Melinda is so good I can't even come up with a good joke. I'm watching a whole different show when she sings. They're already saving her a parking space for VH1's DIVAS concert. Our humble doolittle girl even sang alongside her backup singers cause she's so sweet she can't even hog the spotlight when she's supposed to be the center of attention.

My predictions are Melinda and Blake for the Final 2, just cause I want as much beatboxing goodness as I can get until Blake can release an album. Just, dear god, don't start banging Lindsay Lohan. Or Hilary Duff. Stay away from the lot of them and beatbox your way into a corner. If all you're gonna do with your success is blow it up your nose at Hyde, then switch places with Jordin. Cause she's 17 and she can't even get into those clubs. Jordin. Seventeen. Okay, I'm done.

Psych!

Most of the present celebrities delivered on laughs - Jack Black, singing Kiss From a Rose (for the judges, and Seal's, approval); an amazing Simpsons parody where Simon sings and Lisa mimics Paula's vapidness; Ben Stiller threatening to sing until one hundred billion dollars is raised. Kelly Clarkson proved why she's the most successful American Idol winner yet by expertly belting out a sweet, somber number, and more than one joke was at Sanjaya's expense, not like he minded.

The celebrities who didn't show up, however, failed to impress me. Mostly because they were not there. Uh, producers of Idol, I'm pretty sure you promised me some Gwen Stefani, Pink and Borat. You can't just tell everyone someone will be there and then they don't show up! I say "I wasn't feelin' it, dawg" to false advertising! And no, Madonna via African webcam and a hologram Elvis are hardly substitutes for the ridiculousness that would have been a Borat cameo.

Oh yeah. And no one was kicked off. I was about to smash my "JORDIN SPARKLES" sign through my television set when Ryan told Chris Richardson he was safe, leaving Jordin as the final contestant not cleared through. OH NO HE DI'N'T! But he didn't. Jordin was safe. FOOL ME ONCE, Ryan Seacrest, shame on me. But if I find out Sanjaya just took the week off for a publicity tour and he'll be back to performing next week, SHAME ON YOU. That I cannot forgive.

Did I mention how creepy hologram Elvis singing with Celine Dion was? Girl's aged like seventy years since My Heart Will Go On. Fake Elvis looked hot, though.

Thankfully, Idol Does Not Give Back Sanjaya

Let's get this out of the way so all of you people out there who actually own more than one American Flag (and not for novelty purposes) and/or those of you who own Hybrids(because of the environment and not because you don't have to pay for parking meeters) can start hating me: I'm not feelin' this whole Idol Gives Back thing.

Yeah, it's great the producers have realized how much attention the show gets all around the world, and they're using this cheesy reality show as a platform for The Real Issues. Yes, many hungry people all across America and Africa (but where in Africa, Ryan Seacrest? You never once specified where in Africa you and Simon visited and where the money is going. Africa is not one giant borderless land mass - they've got individual countries with individual problems, ya know) will get to eat and be educated and all that stuff you and I with DSL internet connections take for granted.

But when I watch American Idol, I want to watch Sanjaya prance around with silly hair or Jordin belt it out or Haley do anything in a miniskirt. I don't want to be reminded that there is war and famine and poverty. It's the same whenever a sitcom decides to have a Very Special Episode about spousal abuse or a kid who brings a gun and/or a marijuna joint to school. You are escapism television! That is why I'm watching you and not CNN! Stop trying to make me feel things when all I want to do is veg out and make fun of people!

Whew, I feel better. Now onto last night's recap, where, as it turns out, there was very little to make fun of anyway. Shoot.

Chris Richardson aka "Nasal Is A Type of Singing" - sang Eric Clapton's Change the World. Chris sang it very well, so I'm thinking he should be safe for this week, but the song itself is a powerhouse of mediocrity, despite it winning a barrel full of Grammy's, and being the theme to the movie "Phenomenon." I hate that I know this.

Melinda Doolittle aka "What the Eff Do I Have To Do To Win Thing Thing Already?" - sang "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill. Sang it perfectly. Looks sleeker and younger than usual. I still don't see any teenagers voting for her or buying her album, and guess what? No one texts as fast as a teenager. It's been proven. Sorry Mindy. Be happy when you reach the Top 3.

Blake Lewis aka "I Haven't Had the Opportunity to Beat Box in Several Weeks Now... Uh-Oh" - sang John Lennon's Imagine. Can't do much with the song but just sing it, which he did, on tune and with emotion. Still, I'm worried people are forgetting how much Blake can lay it down when he's completely in his element - sliding around a stage, reinterpreting a song into a techno dance, beatboxing. I hope the Idol theme next week is House music.

Lakisha Jones aka "Not As Good As Former Idol Contestants As It Turns Out" - sang Fantasia's Season 3 Winning single "I Believe." This song is pretty awful, schmaltzy - no good adjectives. Except this is why Fantasia won - she blows it out of the Kodak Theatre it's that good with her vocals and energy. This is the third time Lakisha has voluntarily compared herself to a past successful Idol (with Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel" and "And I Am Telling You", the Dreamgirls song that basically belongs to Jennifer Hudson now) and she's doing nothing but reminding people to download the original song off iTunes. Sorry 'Kisha - you were the one not-so-bright star of the night. Methinks you're going home!

Phil Stacey aka "I Am Using My Vampire Cunning Into Hypnotizing You Into Keep Voting For Me... Also Did I Mention I Have a Wife and Children? Do You Want Them To Go Hungry and For Daddy To Be Shipped Back To The Navy? I Didn't Think So!" - sang some Garth Brooks song. I closed my eyes during his performance and realized he's a very good singer who picks boring songs and looks like the wussiest vampire this side of Spike from "Buffy".

Jordin Sparks aka "Even My Name Is Marketable" - sang "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Carousel, one of my favorite musicals. Jordin's winning this thing. She's young, she's beautiful, she can sing anything you dangle in front of her, her song choices are interesting, and she has yet to give a sour performance. TEAM JORDIN!

Here's my predictions: Bottom 3: Phil, Blake, Lakisha, with Lakisha going home. Unless you count celebrity guest stars.

Celebrity Guest Star Bottom 3: Forest Whitaker, Helena Bonham Carter, Keira Knightley (what in the eff are you guys doing on this show?!?)

Idolicious

About last night's show which announced the Top 12 Finalists, and who will be travelling on the American Idol tour once the season's over.

Jersey trash / Disney chipmunk look-a-like Antonella Barba managed to top Yahoo search lists but it seems like all her fans were too busy yanking it to her leaked naughty pics (are you a toilet man or a more traditional blow-job connoisseur?) to vote to keep her in. I actually felt sorry for the poor girl who was forced to sob through her horrible rendition of "Put Your Records On" after getting the boot. But then I remembered that I also auditioned for "American Idol" and I can cough more in tune than Antonella has sung all season. Girl took my spot! Good riddance.

Unfortunately filling up the suck void for the rest of the season is Sanjaya Malakar and Sanjaya Malakar's hair. Boy's hairstyle and huge ever-present grin reminds me too much of that famous Farrah Fawcett poster. Which would ordinarily be a good thing but in this case I'll take Farrah's crazy over Sanjaya's awkward warbling that wouldn't win an elementary school talent show.

You did this to yourself, America. I thought keeping Sanjaya in was just a cry for help, but now I know you're truly suicidal, and I want to get you help. Pick up the phone, vote for beatboxer Blake Lewis, and life will have meaning again, I promise you.

Top 12 and Sanjaya's Hair Perform

Another Tuesday, another "Idol", another predictable Diva-Off between Melinda Doolittle and Lakisha Jones. Bo-ring. Yeah, they've both got amazing voices and deliver each song with personality and confidence - but this is TV! And since there are no random "Lost" polar bears running around or explosives a la "24", we've got to get our drama on somehow!

And that's where Sanjaya comes in. Or, more accurately, Sanjaya's ever-changing hairstyles, keeping the show interesting (and tone deaf). He's done permed, sleek and shiny, hidden under a fedora, and even the Rachel cut. I can't wait to see his magnificent up-do when he wins "American Idol" because for some disturbing reason AMERICA REFUSES TO VOTE HIM OFF.

I'm not afraid to admit I've got mad love for Blake Lewis, the only contestant to make each and every song his own, particularly last night's Diana Ross cover "You Keep Me Hanging On". This beatboxer from Seattle has his own unique contemporary style and that's what sells records, not amazing voices attached to the past (sorry Melinda and Lakisha) or hairstyles (I will never apologize to you, Sanjaya).

This SHIT is B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Last night's episode was near and dear to my heart, since I am a huge Gwen Stefani fan. Is she cool right now? Is there a backlash? I have no idea, since her two solo albums are pinned to my face as blinders to other people's opinions of her. I can rock out to "Tragic Kingdom" like it was still 1995. Because of this bias, I have nothing but undying hatred and bitterness for the Top 10 constestants who got to meet my actual, real-life idol as I was forced to watch them crucify No Doubt's songs from my living room couch.


And with that, on with the recap:


THE BEST:


Lakisha "Bank Teller With a Voice of Gold" Jones sang Donna Sommers "Last Dance", a song from the 70s, which is still the most contemporary this girl has gone. Girl's got killer pipes (and killer boots - I want her boots. Now.), she needs to pick more recent song choices to keep her interesting and current.


Gina "Hot Topic Frequent Buyer Punch Card Holder" Glockson sang The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You." I never dug this girl's uninteresting voice whether she hits her notes or not (usually not), but props where props are due - she gave the best performance of the night, and her best performance ever.


Jordin "I Swear, I'm Not America Ferrera" Sparks chose No Doubt's beat-heavy "Hey Baby", which is barely a showcase for vocals. She also looked like she was auditioning for "My So-Called Life: The Musical", but I still think this amazingly talented teen will push her way into the Final 2.


Melinda "Really? I'm Good? Aw, Jeez, Mister, Thanks!" Doolittle sang some other Donna Sommers song, was perfect, blah blah - FALL DOWN! FORGET A LYRIC! DO SOMETHING!


Blake "Are You Proud Of Me? I Didn't Beatbox Once Tonight" Lewis serenaded every tween girl out there with The Cure's "Love Song". Simple song, nothing too noteworthy going on, but the boy's got nothing to worry about. I'm predicting Top 3.


EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT SANJAYA:


Chris "I Will Probably Not Last Long Enough To Make David Hasselhoff Cry During The Final As I Predicted During The Audition Round" Sleigh


Haley "No, Really, Who Is That? You Mean That Girl There Who Looks Like That F'd Up Girl In The Exorcist?" Scarnato


Chris "Bringing Sexy-ishBack" Richardson


Phil "My Stylist Made Me Put On This Hat So I Don't Reflect Stage Lights Off The Top Of My Head And Blind The Audience" Stacey


I could all care less about you.


SANJAYA/SANJAYA'S HAIR:


That little girl's tears from last week have only made you stronger. First, you can't sing, then you open up your own salon on top of your head, and now you forget your lyrics - you're going to win this thing. But did you have to ruin a perfectly peppy No Doubt song in the process? What did Gwen ever do to you? What did I ever to do you? (besides badmouthing you in this blog every week, of course.)

Hot Pants and Hair More Important Than Talent

Dear America,

I understand, this is a troubling time. We live in a world of war and poverty and emo music. Sometimes, we just need to relax and take our minds off the problems and stress of everyday human existence.

With that said, America, that is no reason to KEEP EFFIN SANJAYA ON AMERICAN IDOL. He's great for a laugh and he's inspired the next twelve haircuts I'm going to get. He is, without a doubt, eleven billion times more entertaining than all of the other constestants combined. But at the end of the day, we have to focus on the real issues: He can't sing, he can't adaquately perform, and the longer he stays on the show, the longer I have to talk about him, and I am running out of insults.

What's even worse, the equally horrible but nowhere near as entertaining Haley was not even in the bottom three. The Linda Blair look-a-like must have scored enough fans with her hot pants (and her hot pants only) on Tuesday's performance to beat out The-Lil-Beyonce-Who-Could Stephanie Edwards. Stephanie was too Fantasia-y to win the competition, but girl deserved a couple more weeks to bring it like she always did.

America, you got some 'splainin to do.

xoxo
Becky

Little Girl Weeps for Idol Singer, Future of Music Industry

Another Tuesday, another "AmeriYAWN Idol". Last night's show was so predictable I have to invent horrible puns just to keep myself entertained. To recap: Melinda blah blah great Lakisha yadda yadda on pitch Blake wah wah beatboxing prettyboy.

The best performance of the night came not from any of the contestants, but from the little girl in the audience who sobbed throughout the entire show because she was a) overcome with emotion of sitting in the audience of her favorite show b) mortified of Sanjaya's groin-shakin'. A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B... Of course the little girl is still young enough that in time, and with several years of therapy, she probably won't remember any of it.

Speaking of Hairdo McGee, Sanjaya was more like Sanjaya-MAZING last night. No, not because he sang The Kinks' "You Really Got Me" with the same punk-rock attitude of a baby polar bear about to be euthanized. But last night's awkward pelvis-thrusting and faux attitude has made Sanjaya leap from "Unworthy Contestant Who Must Be Eliminated Immediately Before I Stick Forks In My Ear" to "Sideshow Attraction Who Makes Little Girls Weep and Viewers Like Me Laugh Hysterically". Sanjaya must stay on this show forever. I will personally spend my life savings on text messaging rates to keep the most entertaining part of American Idol on the show.