Thanks, Japan!: Where's Knut When You Need Him

Take note, young Knut - once puberty strikes, you won't be able to contain your emotions. You'll be growing white hair in strange places, and attacking other "polar bears" just to get a taste.

Funny Polar Bear

please let me take off this hat... oh please let me go home to my family!

Is it just me, or does this polar bear clip remind you of Pepe Le Peu mistaking a cat with a white stripe as a female skunk and le stalking her?


Pepe Le Peu is such a confident rapist

Today's Thanks Japan! moment provided by Dance (yes, that's her name). Got a good Thanks, Japan! suggestion? Leave a comment and I'll link to it! Domo!

Thanks, Japan!: Give Me Your Wallet... and Then Do Downward Facing Dog

Are you a busy woman who wants to look good and feel good, but also learn how to defend yourself against rapists?

And, oh yeah, learn how to speak English?

Is it also the 1980s where you are?

Well, today is your lucky day! No need to sign up for pilates classes or self-defense workshops or English-speaking lessons. Just watch this video!



Does a Spanish version of this video exist? It would have came in handy when I was living in South Central LA.

Thanks, Japan!: somethingsomethingsomethingsomething POCKY!

It's been a few days without a Thanks, Japan! segment. Shenanigans! To make up for lost time, here are three highly entertaining commercials for the Japanese snack Pocky.



I got tuned onto Pocky from my sister, who lived in Japan for a year and ate these delicious chocolate sticks regularly. What's more important, I got tuned onto Pocky commercials from my sister. We YouTubed the shit out of Pocky commercials after a night of drinking in a Bahstin pub and everything was funny to us. Surprisingly enough, these commercials are just as entertaining sober!


At least she has a good personality... and she can dance!

Isn't that cute and somewhat ridiculous for a mila-second commercial? It's got its own story and character arc and dénouement*.

*Possible t-shirt: "I Went to Film School and All I Got Was This Vocabulary of Useless Screenwriting Terminology"

or

Possible bumper sticker: "How's My Formatting?"

or

Possible sandwhich board sign: "Ask Me About My Foil"


But look! There's more than just regular ole chocolate Pocky:



What's better - there's more than just one regular ole Pocky commercial! Yay!



Lemme in! My pocky's getting all wet!

I love how epic this commercial is in just thirteen seconds. Why is she so upset? Are they long lost siblings? Former lovers torn apart because of war and social turmoil? Whatever it is, Pocky makes it all better. Personally I cannot wait for the Pocky dance to take the nation by storm. It'll be like the Macarena + the Electric Slide + Hands Up, Baby, Hands up x A MILLION.

But you haven't seen epic til you've seen this:


In a world... where chocolate sticks rule supreme... one man must bite

That's like the Pearl Harbor of Japanese commercials.

Oops. Too soon?

Thanks, Japan!: Come ON Already, Toshi

Do you like me? Respect me? Trust me? Good. You'll have to trust me when I say watch this video. Now. Especially if you're at work. In Japan. With the speakers up as loud as possible. And take notes!



Where is this Toshi?! He doesn't know what he's missing with this geisha gal! I hear "First Rate Cunt Lapping" and I don't need to be told twice to get my ass in bed.

Thanks, Japan!: He's Never Gonna Put That Fire Out on Time

So, it's a slow news week. The City of Lights is still in jail, the Firecrotch who Went To my High School (true story) is still leaving rehab to go to the gym, and Baldy McYou'reNotFoolingAnyoneWithThoseCheapAssHairExtensions is still attempting a career in comedy. Aaaaand failing. Embarrassingly.

A lone tumbleweed rolls past Hyde nightclub.

But Japan is always up to fun things! We can always depend on them. Except for when they bombed us. That was way harsh, Tai.



My favorite thing about this clip is how fucking batshit crazy the crowd is going over this dog. Or maybe it's a sheep? Who can tell anymore!

Thanks, Japan!: I'm Hungry... Let's Go To Third Base

Here's your daily Thanks, Japan moment. I wish it was filmed in night vision.



Who doesn't love something tasty and wet in their mouth? Ya know, like a penis during a blow job?....... or noodle soup. Yeah. Noodle soup. Anyway.

I like to imagine this actress talking with her parents. It would probably go something, uh-like this:

ring ring... ring ring...

Actress' Mom: Hello?

Actress: Hey, mom! Guess what! I got a starring role in a commercial!

Actress' Mom: Thank's amazing, honey! What's it for?

Actress: A popular brand of noodle soup!

Actress' Mom: I'm so proud of you!

Several months later the commercial airs in Japan.

ring ring... ring ring...

Actress' Mom: Hello?

Actress: Hey mom... it's me...

Actress' Mom: I. HAVE. NO. DAUGHTER. You have brought shame on your family.

Mom hangs up. Actress commits sepuku.

SCENE.

Thanks, Japan!: Not as Good as a New York Slice, but Definitely More Epic

Here's my all new feature: "Thanks, Japan!: Gifts the Japanese Have Given Us The World, Particularly in Media, Even More Specifically in the Genre of Commercials." Here's my all-time favorite. You'll know why around the 18 second mark.



There's romance, drama, angst, hope, and even a giant ensemble dance number. This is what a Bollywood Pizza commercial in Japan looks like.