as pretty as David, as robotic and numb as Victoria

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Britney's Tragedy Saves World From Adequately Remembering Actual Real-Life Tragedy

Today is the anniversary of 9/11, and since I'm a (proud, albeit Los Angelfied) New Yorker, I feel the need to acknowledge it here. However, I am also an entertainer and the last thing I want to do is make everybody cry. That's Britney's job. I like making people laugh. So in the spirit of patriotism and satire, I give you this:





SPRINGFIELD, MO—Were this an ordinary Tuesday night, Wendy Vance would return home from her receptionist job at a Springfield chiropractor's office and spend the evening engaged in any number of empty, meaningless diversions: watching old, taped episodes of Friends, browsing the new issue of Cosmopolitan, or driving to Center Square Mall to browse for shoes.

Tonight, however, the 29-year-old is unable to bring herself to turn on the TV or even half-heartedly flip through the new Pottery Barn catalog. Instead, she has decided to visit her grandmother in nearby Mountain Grove.

"If none of this had happened, right now I'd probably be watching that stupid Journey VH1 Behind The Music episode for the 40,000th time. Or talking to my friend Kerri about the Gap skirt I want," said Vance, holding her grandmother's frail, time-worn hand. "Now, all I can think about is how precious life is, and how important it is to spend quality time with the people who matter to you, because everything could change in an instant."

Added Vance: "I just want my regular life back."

Vance is not alone. Shaken by the tragic events of Sept. 11, people across the nation have abandoned such inconsequential concerns as the Gary Condit scandal and Britney Spears' skimpy outfit at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. No longer are they talking about shark attacks or what's-his-name, that Little Leaguer who was too old to play. Instead, they're focusing on the truly important things in life: friends, family, and being good to one another.




Read the rest of the article here at The Onion.

Today I heard conversations about and read more about Britney Spears' performance at the VMA's on Sunday than of 9/11. Looks like it's safe to care about stupid bullshit again!

There Will Be Film Geek Orgasms



IMDB says the release date is December 26. Consequently, that will be the happiest day of my year/life. It's all downhill from there until Paul Thomas Anderson releases another movie.

Here's the trailer, for those of you who want to just kinda have no idea what this movie is about, as opposed to not watching it whatsoever and being completely surprised at every milisecond of genius yet to come:

Worst. Shoes. Ever. Period. Emoticon of Frustration >:-o

Now, I'm an openminded person. I don't like making generalizations. But I'm pretty sure the torture chambers on Mary-Kate Olson's feet are the absolute, all-time WORST SHOES EVER:


they were my magic shoes, momma said they'd take me anywhere

There Are No Words (Only Videos)

Before:



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After:



After the After:



Ed. Note - I miss you, So Much Potential Britney... so much.

Hey! Remember Me?!?



I stopped dating that tall music dude with the weird faces... and now he's in GAP ads! Stupid boy! I haven't managed to get drunk enough to get a DUI (two midori sours and I'm gone!). I've also tried to pick up a coke habit but coke is itchy!!! Aa-choo! I'm also not super-de-duper talented, but not untalented enough to be a trainwreck, and I can't be a bad mother cause I never had kids! At least I don't think so... wait lemme text Nick. [texting: nick did we make babies on newlyweds lol i forgetz). So I guess it's back to not wearing bras to get some attention around here! Howdy, ya'll!

I'm back, too! Three cheers (and double D's) for the return of P&B!